Sesshoumaru screamed ? I don't think Sesshoumaru would scream anything, but then again I really don't like an ooc Sesshoumaru. I do think you need to work on developing the characters more and also work on the dialogue. It's not a bad idea, I think it definitely could have been paced out more. I think an ending with closure would have taken the story up a level because we are left with this sad, weepy, love-struck Kagome.
Commas, commas, commas. Watch out for them or they'll turn around and bite you in the ass. =]
I think you might want to work a little more on tenses - make sure you know which one you want to write in, and stick with it. There was a little bit of 'says-said' going on.
On another note, some of the things you've got the characters doing, I can't see them actually doing , so maybe consider working on character development a little.
Ho-humm. I'm confused. Does Sesshoumaru like or not like Kagome? In a more-than-platonic way. I think you might want to go back and lengthen this just to make it better. For example, add more details, like the fact that Kagome actually like-likes Sesshoumaru, because I didn't catch that the first time around. (Sorry about the disunity of this review.)
Overall, I think it could use quite a bit of work, but you're getting there. Good luck with writing - I wish you the best.
Thanks for the read.
well thats depressing, i hope we see more, perhaps we could have kags rise above this, i really hate seeing a sad and weepy kags. I have a guy pal like this, its always been a situation where timing never worked out, thouh i do dearly adore him sometimes he's evil, when he has a gal he comepletely ignores me and i do mean as though i dont exsist, but when he's single we're the best of pals. He's my oldest friend ever, seriously i dont think i could force myself to stop being his friend, but i'd like to see Kagome move on from him a bit and make him see that she's what he needs, but then again, i just dont want her to be so hurt, b/c more thne likly he's just never thought of her this way. o well hope to see more. - r0o
