sorry lol wrong story...disregard that last review it was meant for someone else.
I like the concept but you didn't execute it very well. It's a little all over the place. To start off you have at least two main plots. Her failed marriage and her fight with Naraku. Then you randomly throw in her occupation to make up for the fact that she has an unrealistic means to avoid him. It just doesn't make sense. One minute she's this cold assasin and the next she's a sobbing over emotional female. And it's just not realistic. No woman in her right mind would be with a man that has that much control. Bugged cars, cameras every where, and tracking devices? Does that sound like someone who is normal?
You should throw out that Naraku plot and work on the original one which is the failing marriage. She is pregnant and she just witnessed her husband in bed with another woman. She would have gone to a family member or friend first, instead of dodging him and doing some random secret agent shit. She is not James Bond. Then while she's sobbing she's asking for them to create custody papers within an hour. Custody battles don't work like that and if he is a CEO then that isn't within his power. Clean up your word choices.."Inu Papi"??? she isn't a five year old. And that continues, one minite she talks like she is in an action movie and the next she's an adult five year old.
Furthemore, change her job title cause it's just plain stupid. A pregnant female body guard that can take apart and build cars and bikes? She has property on numerous countries without her controlling husband finding out? Come on! I know this is fiction, but lets not get carried away. Finally, take out the descriptions of what cars and bikes they have. It's irrelevant and stupid.
Lexie (Chapter 10) - Sun 29 Aug 2010
i LOVE father knows best! its awesome! lol a nosebleed!
please to be updating!!
martha (Chapter 10) - Sat 28 Aug 2010
LOl Ahh Sess having hard time learning that Shippo like Rin. Maybe he will see love bloom likes his is. Thanks for the update
Ajah Spencer (Chapter 9) - Wed 25 Aug 2010
LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!! i LOVE THE FACT THAT SESSHOMARU HAS TO TRY TO GET KAGOME BY UNDER HANDED MEANS. YOU REALLY HAVE TO KEEP GOING WITH THIS STORY.
Oooo...I love it when daddy is up to something. :D
Page 2 of 2
| | | | |