Finally able to leave my review! You did great and I loved it. You will make an excellent writer in the future! Remember a few things, since Ive seen it happen. We have lost many a good writer to haters and don't let that be you please! If you ever feel down, I'll boost you up. Writers deserve respect , not flames and hate.
Aha! So this was the story you were working on, Tenchi? x)
Well, let's see... overall, it's not bad. I felt that the lemon ended really abruptly. I'm not sure if it was meant to be that way or if you were just having a really difficult time writing it to a further point. I think your lemon would be even better with more descriptions. I saw that you frequently listed the reactions that Kagome had to a particular action.
So, instead of saying, "The young woman, lost in ecstasy given by the Taiyoukai’s lips and tongue on her little pearl of joy, panted, moaned, and cried her desire to the Kami as he slipped a finger inside her."
It could be written like, "Sesshoumaru did this, Kagome panted, Sesshoumaru switched up and did that, Kagome moaned, then Sesshoumaru really wanted to tease her and push her over the edge, so he did this this and that, and Kagome cried her desires to the Kami." And it can be really simple things like, Sesshoumaru switched the pace of his tongue moving over her pearl or Sesshoumaru adding a finger into the equation, or Sesshoumaru blowing his breath over her to tease or to give her a different sensation.
It wouldn't be vulgar for there to be more descriptions on just what Sesshoumaru is doing to her and what Kagome's reactions are. When I first started writing lemons, I was hesitant. I didn't know how much was too much and how much was actually too little. What helped me improve was reading a LOT of lemons (who wouldn't love doing that? XD) and taking into consideration their word choices and how far in depth their descriptions go, then applying that into your own lemon. If you want to be real pervy, I try to imagine it playing out in my head sometimes and it usually turns out a lot better than I first expected. >___>;; lol.
But, I'm not saying that your lemon is bad. I think it's a great start and I know you'll improve the more you write them. Everyone has the potential to get better at doing something. =)
I also thought it was a little weird, but amusing, that in the beginning, it was like they couldn't tolerate each other and all it took for them to start doing -it- was Kagome rubbing up against him a few times. He's all, "you're not worth my time" then he's practically poking a hole in her back. lol. I couldn't help but laugh when Kagome did the "come hither" gesture. xDD I thought that was great.
Ah... I think I'll shut up now. lol. I hope I've helped you some with this semi-rambling review. xD
~Theia
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