Great job!! Reads much better but still has your voice behind it!
It's much more detailed and the characters are fuller and more fleshed out.
I just went through and cleaned up the chapter. I tried to not restate suggestions but just fixed up some grammatical errors.
Just a quick tutorial though, lol. I separated each specific correction into a section separated by ------------ that. If there are multiple errors that need the same corrections they will be in the same section, just located on a different line. The corrections for each section are notated with a *.
"wear magnificent pearls, splendid clothes, and pretty shoes."
*Delete Comma
---------------------------------
"What's frustrating is I have to be all of those people."
*Insert Comma
---------------------------
It’s sad because people tend to ridicule half-breeds, they tend to loathe them so much.
*Repeated word
------------------------------
he really hates half-breed
*breeds
---------------------------
mate a powerful lord also he keeps telling me that I am
*Insert period after "lord"; Capitalize "Also"
--------------------------
She was a captive of a youkai and she was a priestess
they did it and I was conceived
*Insert Comma
-----------------------------
"Your sire will be so angry." Ah Chen mumbled
"I won't mate for his politics." I said, crossing my hands
I'm just 16 years of age." I said childishly
mating age, my lady." She said in
Alright." She said, a smile
Heh." I laugh
*Change period into a comma
--------------------------------
Guards, Let us escort our Lady
*Uncapitalize
---------------------------------
Ah Chen!!!" I screams and run as fast as
*scream
--------------------------
I hear butler Li shout.
*Capitalize
Keep it coming.
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