Like Begging for Forgiveness by mynightshining

Like Begging for Forgiveness

Summary: She scolds herself for crying. This isn't the first time this has happened; it shouldn't hurt so much by now. She has come to expect her body to rebel against her heart, mind, and soul.

Rating: M

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha

Author's Notes: It's Day 4 of SessKag Week 2021! This is my first time participating in something like this, so I'm really excited to publish some works, but also read what everyone else has created!

Since this is my first time, I had to set up some rules for myself (because I was getting carried away with very little time on my hands).

- Fics will be set in cannon, but will diverge.

- Fics will be short, no word limit, but no massive one-shots (like I was planning to do)

- Fics will be stream of consciousness writing with very little editing or futzing

- Only use color as the main prompt, and if I happen to include the others, then it's a happy accident.

Posting this now because I won't be able to tomorrow.

More angst! This one is heavy. Please pay attention to the trigger warning below. Hit the back button if you need to.

TRIGGER WARNING: Miscarriage

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Like Begging for Forgiveness

Prompt: White, Mourning

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Kagome fights against hot, searing tears as she crouches over the chamber pot, waiting for the bleeding to stop. She scolds herself for crying. This isn't the first time this has happened; it shouldn't hurt so much by now. She has come to expect her body to rebel against her heart, mind, and soul.

And yet…

And yet, with every drop of blood, the shattering of her broken heart echoes in her ears and twists painfully within her ribs.

When Sesshomaru and Kagome mated, many yokai of court speculated what offspring they would breed. There had never been a union like theirs before. A human and yokai? Yes. But a human with unmatched holy powers and a daiyokai? It was new territory.

Theories ranged from the expected, hanyo, to the unexpected, full yokai children of varying power. One rumor in hushed whispers surmised that, because of her reiki, only a human infant would be born. Kagome and Sesshomaru didn't care as long as their young made onto this earth safe and healthy.

No one thought she'd be unable to carry a pregnancy to full-term, let alone past the first trimester. No one, not even her, thought that her reiki would completely purify the fetus before it ever had a chance to survive.

And yet…

And yet, here she is, alone, suffering her fifth miscarriage in the silent, oppressive darkness of the privy at only seven weeks.

Her mate is gone, has been for weeks while he negotiates to prevent a war with the south. He left unaware that she was pregnant this time. Kagome is thankful she didn't get his hopes up once again, thankful that she won't have to tell him that they remain childless.

Shame sears through her at the thought.

Shame for wanting to keep this loss a secret, knowing that he'd find out from other keen-nosed yokai anyway.

Shame for being unable to control her powers in the one way they need her to.

Shame for her body being an inhospitable host to the most wanted and loved bundle of cells.

A sob threatens to escape, and she slaps her hand over her lips, muffling the gut-wrenching sound in the back of her throat. The fingernails of her free hand dig into the wood paneled wall holding her up, knuckles white from the pressure. A cramp, deep and low in her abdomen, ripples through her body, leaving her breathless and dizzy in its wake.

She doesn't hear the shoji screen of their balcony open then close. She doesn't hear the near-silent footfalls of someone walking in her direction. What she does notice is the moonlight as it floods the floorboards when the door to the privy opens to reveal her mate.

Relief pulls another, aching sob from her.

Slow and gentle, he kneels down before her. Clawed hands cradle her face, and he kisses her tear-drenched lips.

There's a sound bouncing between them, and it takes her far too long to realize she's the one making it: I'm sorry repeats like a mantra, like a payer, like begging for forgiveness, and it only stops in the moments when he kisses her lips.

Shaking hands tangle into his soft locks, finding purchase near the roots and anchoring her to him. Pale, striped cheeks glisten in the moonlight. Kagome thinks she's cried so much her tears have found a way to him, but when he presses his forehead against hers, she realizes the tears are his own.

"I can't do this anymore."

There's a finality to saying it out loud.

Unwavering golden eyes meet her own.

"Then we no longer will."