like sand through fingertips by elevenharbor

Chapter 1

i post more on AO3 now and it took a while to recover my dokuga account (hence my absence) and i also don't get email notifications somehow? Anyway, this was in my 'just a bunch of drabbles' story on AO3 (it's where i dump drabbles and story ideas) and figured i'd migrate it here. This is the last sesskag piece i wrote before i went on hiatus.

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warning: dark and not happy themes. if you feel like you'll be triggered by death, disease, and all the muck that comes with life, i suggest you skip ahead/don't proceed. But if these warnings don't scare you well.... Read at your own risk, I suppose.

I wrote this a while ago. incomplete and still rough around the edges, but this is why it's in here and not by itself, lol. Let me know in the comments if I should continue or not.

like sand through fingertips

draft

At seventeen, Kagome experienced her first heartbreak. 

Despite the trials and tribulations of her shard-hunting days, she had relished in the adventure and loved relentlessly—both platonically and romantically. The latter left her heartbroken at the stark realization that her first love would remain unrequited. Kagome was forced to come to grips with the reality that Inuyasha would never fully relinquish his heart to her—at least not completely.

Never in a million years did she think she would find comfort in the presence of another—her first love’s half-brother, of all beings. 

“Miko.” The daiyoukai said, his tone bordering between ennui and curiosity. He happened to be in the vicinity of her late-night cry. 

“Sesshoumaru.” Kagome winced at the intrusion, hurriedly wiping her tears away. 

“Why do you grieve?”

“You wouldn’t understand,” she said dismissively, mid-sniffle. 

“Try me.”

With one swift motion, Sesshoumaru was upon the young miko. Their height difference clearly apparent as he bent down so close, their noses were nearly touching. A slight frown creased his handsome face for a millisecond before being replaced with his signature impassive mask. 

Rising to the challenge, Kagome steeled her nerves at the sudden invasion of privacy, keeping her stance firm.

“You’ve never had your heart stomped into pieces after giving it so freely, haven’t you?”

“No.”

“Then you wouldn’t understand why I cry.”

Their staring contest continued on, molten fire against ocean blue. Had Kagome not blinked in defeat, she would’ve seen his impassive scowl soften, ever so slightly. 

“Hn.” Sesshoumaru straightened up and turned to the woods. “Grief is love with no place to go. It would behoove you to find an outlet before it destroys you from within.” 

As he made his retreat, Kagome remained rooted in place, processing the hidden meaning behind his words. Was she mistaken with her initial impressions of the daiyoukai? Did he even know what love was?

“The half-breed is a fool.” Sesshoumaru added, stopping a few yards away with his back still to her. “He will come to realize his folly soon enough. He isn’t worth your affection.”

Kagome wanted him to clarify what he meant, but he was already ascending the skies before she could formulate words. 

Since that night, Sesshoumaru and her struck a friendship of sorts in the oddest of ways. He would often catch her when she was alone or when she needed a reprieve from Inuyasha. A man of few words, she initially did most of the talking to ease the awkwardness, but he would chime in when necessary. It wasn’t long before their interactions became more frequent after their rag-tag groups joined forces in anticipation of the final battle with Naraku. 

They exchanged pleasantries in the beginning, which then morphed into unabated curiosity. He, curious about her and her world, and she curious about his. On occasion, he would tell her stories of his past and his sojourns, and she would listen in kind. She enamored him with tales of modern-day marvels and pitfalls while he absorbed it all like a sponge. Other times, they debated over advancements in science and medicine, politics, and the beginnings of what would become the stock exchange. Despite her initial reservations about letting him know about the future, Kagome found the quiet daiyoukai to be an eager learner. She didn’t divulge too much information, weary that he could change the future, but she cast the thought aside when she realized that her very existence in the Feudal Era was probably already warping the future to a degree. Though Sesshoumaru was smart, she doubted he could singlehandedly do something so drastic as to alter the course of fate and time. 

As his interest grew, she was more than happy to satiate his endless queries, to the best of her knowledge. 

“Miko. How are you so eloquent and knowledgeable with the ways of the world?” Sesshoumaru inquired nonchalantly, but the curious tone in his voice made Kagome smile. If she had to put her money on it, he was amused and surprised that she was educated enough to keep up with him.

Instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt, she decided to have a little fun and make the reticent daiyoukai speak his mind with words. 

“Are you asking me why I talk too much or why I know the things I know?” She asked, feigning ignorance.

Sesshoumaru gave her a pointed look, clearly unamused by her tactics. “Though I am aware that a certain amount of education is necessary to befit those of your station, you possess a knowledge that far exceeds that.”

“Where I come from, we’re required to go to school to complete and pass certain education…requirements…in order to…ascend the ranks, per se.” Kagome supplied, hoping he would take the bait.

A perfectly arched brow rose in response. “What kind of requirements?”

Kagome suppressed a giggle as she dug through her yellow backpack, hoping she brought one of her textbooks with her. She had his attention. 

“Miko, I asked you a quest—“

“Aha! Found it!” Kagome shrieked triumphantly, her math textbook in her grasp. Opening her textbook to a random page, she walked over to the daiyoukai and held out the book to him. “I didn’t mean to ignore you. I just wanted to make sure I brought this with me. Visual aids are better.”

Sesshoumaru perused the contents of the opened page, his brow twitching in concentration. He was silent for a minute as he took in the information, but his eyes stopped tracking the text as he came across a mathematical equation.

“These concepts are from another continent.” He pointed to a diagram of a parabola on the page as he flipped the book to show her. “You understand these?”

Kagome nodded. “That’s called a parabola. Used heavily in Greek mathematics. Some of its concepts were employed to shape integral calculus, which to be frank, I’m still trying to wrap my head around.”

Sesshoumaru’s lip twitched as he digested her words. “Cal-cu-lus?”

“Uh huh. It’s essentially the study of continuous change, and these changes can be calculated. One of the ways to calculate it is by integrals….which is like…figuring out how an object moves from one place to another by quantifying it so it can be measured. Something like that.” Kagome surmised, sitting next to him. “So like…if I wanted to know the distance between this point,” she placed her index finger at the top of the parabola “and this point…” Kagome traced her finger to the bottom right of the curved line, “I can figure that out by using these fancy formulas…err…symbols that you see down here.”

“I…see.” Sesshoumaru followed the paths of her finger like a predator watching its prey, the confusion in his face clearly evident by the furrowing of his brows at her explanation. 

Kagome felt sorry for the daiyoukai as he tried to make sense of her poor explanation. Math was never her strong suit, so she understood his bewilderment. Modern-day calculus wouldn’t be around for another few centuries and here she was already butchering it for him. 

“Don’t worry. It gets even more complicated. But not for another couple of hundred years or so.” She winked, closing her textbook. “Anyway, that’s just one of the topics that I have to learn. There’s also history, science, economics, et cetera, et cetera.” 

“Hn.”

“Fascinating stuff, right? Not.” Kagome rolled her eyes before strolling back to her bag. 

“Indeed.” Sesshoumaru replied, but his gaze never strayed from her ministrations as she reshuffled the contents of her backpack.

Their rendezvous also became longer and more…personal. She amused him with silly dance moves and gave him access to her music library on her iPod as well as her secret stash of Pocky. Other nights, she shared her fears of the upcoming battle, the uncertainty of the unknown, her ability to purify and mend the sacred jewel, and her separation from her friends. He, on the other hand, listened to her with rapt attention, even admitting his inner struggle of finding his purpose. Supreme conquest had taken a backseat for something more—of which he was unsure. 

He also revealed a side of him that took Kagome by surprise—considerate, thoughtful, and dare she say—romantic.

“Hey Sesshoumaru,” Kagome tilted her head in the direction of the daiyoukai sitting an arm’s length away. “Do you ever have fears? Doubts? Regrets?”

The silent daiyoukai let out a snort, an undignified action unfit for his pedigree. His regenerated arm rested on his flexed knee as he continued to stare off into the distance. 

“Okay, I guess not.” She turned her sight towards the clear night sky, marveling at the millions of tiny celestial diamonds that flickered like fireflies against the endless sea of darkness. 

“Fear is for the weak.” The baritone voice of her companion broke her reverie. “I fear nothing, but I do have…reservations…and regrets.”

Kagome sat up from her splayed position on the ground, her full attention on him. “What kind of regrets?”

His impossibly handsome face still maintained its debonair features, but his eyes swirled with emotion that she hadn’t noticed before.

“The last conversation with my father.”

“Oh? What was it about?” 

Another pregnant pause befell them as she waited for his reply. Twin golden suns regarded her with an intensity that made her insides flutter. 

“He asked if I had someone to protect.”

“I see. Well, did you?”

“No.”

The daiyoukai shifted so he faced her, unobstructed and exposed.  His arm reached across to tuck a stray of hair behind her ear, catching her by surprise. But instead of pulling away abruptly, his hand slowly brushed the underside of her jaw at his retreat. The path of his fingers left her skin tingling, but she restrained herself from flinching. 

Though his lips moved, his gaze spoke with words unspoken, paralyzing and mesmerizing her all the same. 

“I didn’t understand the meaning of his question…until now.”

Since that pivotal conversation, and much to Kagome’s delight, the glacier that was the Lord of the West thawed, at least in her presence. Soon enough, her sorrow over her first love abated, replaced by her growing intrigue of the not-so-stoic daiyoukai. 

As the days wore on, Kagome noticed a shift in Sesshoumaru’s demeanor and his actions. He slowly closed the distance between them with each conversation. An ‘accidental’ bump here and there. A fleeting brush of his hand against hers. The ‘innocent’ tucking of her wild strands behind her ear when she least expected it. The quick glances in her direction. His covert yet protective stance in front of her whenever someone unfamiliar approached, golden eyes apprehensive and Bakusaiga drawn. 

He also began to accompany her on her nightly strolls to calm herself whenever she and Inuyasha argued. Sometimes he distracted her with stories from his past, other times he kept her company with his silence. Despite her acknowledgement and appreciation for his efforts, Kagome still kept herself in check and guarded her emotions like a tight rope with each encounter. Wary of disrupting the  harmonious balance of their friendship, she didn’t want to traipse toward one-sided attraction and subsequent rejection once more.

Acutely aware of his protectiveness, Kagome was both surprised and pleased when the daiyoukai shielded her during the initial skirmishes with Naraku’s henchmen, up until the final showdown with the vile spider himself.

Amidst the battle, Sesshoumaru encouraged her to be steadfast in this fight, to keep her will to live and make the correct wish, even if spelled the end of their friendship-turned-whatever it was.  

“I had him! Why’d you get in the way?! I could’ve killed you!” Kagome yelled as she writhed from Sesshoumaru’s grip on her hip. She had a clear shot of Naraku’s chest, but the back of Sesshoumaru’s head blocked her intended target at the last second. A master of his craft, Sesshoumaru effortlessly sliced the incoming tentacle with Bakusaiga and whisked them both away before she could scream. 

“You would have been killed had I not been there.” Sesshoumaru barked back, his usual calmness lost to the heavens as he set her down on her feet gently. He quickly swept over her for any injury before turning his attention back to their smirking opponent, pushing Kagome behind him. 

“What are you doing?!”

“You can’t fight Naraku alone.”

“I can and I will! It’s my duty to save the world!” Kagome exclaimed as she stood beside him, readying another arrow. “I started this mess. I have to finish it!”

“It is my duty to protect you!” His voice was full of rage, startling her into silence. 

“But—“

“You need to survive to wish the jewel away for good, do you not?” Sesshoumaru bit out harshly as he turned to face her.

She regarded him with equal ferocity. “I know that, and believe me I’m trying. But—“

“Kagome.” His eyes immediately softened as they fell on hers. “Look at me and listen carefully.”

She couldn’t look away, even if she tried.

“No matter what happens today, promise me you will live.” He said with conviction. “For your sake… and for mine.”

The tender moment was broken when another tentacle lunged their way at blazing speed. Sesshoumaru flashed her a small, encouraging smile before springing forward to unleash an onslaught of attacks. Kagome stood frozen in a momentary haze until the feral screeching of one of Naraku’s detachments brought her back to reality.

That jerk. She made a mental note to berate him on appropriate timing if they made it out here alive.

His affirmations sent Kagome’s already confused heart aflutter with his little shows of affection even in the direst of circumstances. But instead of dropping her weapon to embrace the daiyoukai for his thoughtfulness and for finally calling her by her name after months of goading, she just nodded her head and persisted in seeing their mission to completion—in righting her wrong and making the Shikon no Tama whole once more. Her feelings be damned. 

The battle kept on until Naraku finally succumbed to defeat by her hand, leaving the now completed jewel in her hands. Kagome immediately turned her attention to Sesshoumaru, who stared back at her with with reverence and pride. Despite being covered head-to-toe in demon guts, the small upturn of his lips at her accomplishment made her grin back at him, instantly banishing the exhaustion in her bones and the weariness in her soul. 

But before she could run to him, Kagome felt the tendrils of time whisk her away from the battlefield, from her awaiting friends, from him.

—

At eighteen, Kagome had her heart broken. Again.

Forcefully separated from the life and the people she had grown to love five hundred years in the past, Kagome wailed ferociously as she dug and clamored at the bottom of the now magic-less well as soon as the Shikon no Tama became whole…on her eighteenth birthday, of all days.

She was only privy to the occasion when her family discovered her at the bottom of the well half an hour later, too overjoyed by her timely return to notice her tattered clothes, tear-and-dirt-stricken face, and her shattered heart. 

She mourned for days, which turned into weeks, then months. She felt her grief knew no bounds. 

She cried for the loss of the life she loved, simple yet complicated as it was. 

She cried for her abrupt departure without a proper farewell. For the friends she had grown to love as family. For the daiyoukai who she had grown attached to over the last few months, try as she might to deny the fact. For not being able to say what she wanted to say to him. For what was, and what could have been. 

Funny how fate liked to deal with her in threes. Three years ago, the well catapulted her to a time and place she only knew existed in folklore, only to rip her back mercilessly to the time she belonged to, three years later. Three months was all it took for her to get over the inu-hanyou, only to find another blooming attraction of sorts for the inu-daiyoukai. 

It wasn’t Kagome’s intention to rebound to his older brother, but circumstances had set her off down that path before she could even dictate its course. She had achieved the impossible by befriending him, and unlike the rollercoaster that was Inuyasha, the progression of her relationship with Sesshoumaru grew organically, only to be ripped away like a band-aid on a healing wound in the blink of an eye. 

Through hard work and countless, sleepless nights, it took another three years to snuff out the second wave of heartache and reintegrate herself back in modern society once again. 

Against all odds, she managed to earn a seat at one of the most prestigious universities in Tokyo with a full ride, finishing strong by graduating a year early with honors and securing an internship at a top investment banking firm. Although the future seemed bright with a promising career in the corporate world lined up, Kagome felt hollow and bleak inside. Unlike her peers who celebrated their freedoms and thrived at twenty-one, Kagome realized she was as good as a mindless hamster running on a spinning wheel. She wasn’t living, but existing—going through the motions of a mundane life that ate away at her soul with each passing day.

Whether it was by pure exhaustion of keeping up appearances or apathy, Kagome had surrendered herself to the monotony by finally accepting Hojo’s pursuit at twenty-two, much to her grandfather’s delight. 

Since their coupling, Hojo had been nothing but every girl’s dream boyfriend. Ever so attentive, he showered her with all the love and attention that she felt she didn’t deserve. The boy was nice—too nice—even for her standards. The guilt at not reciprocating his affections slowly consumed her. More often than not, Kagome’s thoughts would stray from her bright-eyed, human beau—wishing that another pair of striped arms held her in a tight embrace, a pair of molten gold eyes glanced at her lovingly, and slender hands intertwined with hers with a silent promise of never letting go. 

But she knew deep down that her delusions were all futile—for nothing would bring back what she had lost. 

She couldn’t continue to live in the past. She had a career that paid her well and ensured that her family would not be crippled with financial instability. She finally had the love and affection that she had fantasized about when she was blindly in love during her adolescent years. She was safe. Her family was safe. No imminent threat of world destruction from certain power-hungry demons, or any demons for the matter, hung over her conscience daily. 

From an outsider’s perspective, Kagome was thriving. But with each passing day, she felt like she was dying.

“Promise me you will live. For your sake… and for mine.” A voice in the recesses of her mind would resurface each time she felt like throwing in the towel. At first Kagome wanted to break down each time she recalled Sesshoumaru’s plea. But as the years wore on, the memory of his voice became her only comfort in her times of despair, reinforcing her resolve.

With her mind made up, she decided to give her stagnant life and relationship one last go. She had a promise to keep, after all. 

—

At twenty-four, Kagome thought her life was going as planned. But fate seemed to not be done with her just yet. 

“I have some unpleasant news, Miss Higurashi.” The middle-aged doctor intoned solemnly, shifting his gaze from the paperwork to the trepid woman across from him. 

Kagome stilled in her seat. This was supposed to be her annual physical exam, but the seriousness of his tone made her think his findings were anything but normal.

“What is it, doc?”

“You have irregularities in your most recent laboratory values.” The doctor continued as he skimmed through paperwork, circling more numbers before handing the results over to her. “Even though your physical exam was unremarkable, your symptoms and the abnormal rise in certain inflammatory markers makes me think something else is happening that’s beyond my scope of practice.”

“I came in here for a check-up because of my headaches, some unexplained weight loss, and weakness in my right arm.” She took the proffered paper with a trembling hand and scanned the red marks warily. “I eat healthy on most days and don’t do any illicit drugs. Is there a problem?”

“I was surprised myself, Miss Higurashi. You had the perfect bill of health up until recently.” The doctor shifted in his chair, his forehead wrinkling in contemplation before turning to regard her seriously. “Have you been exposed to any toxins or large amounts of chemicals lately?”

“No, not that I am aware of, unless you count the usual household cleaning products.” 

“Hmm.” The doctor continued, his hands stippling over the bridge of his nose. “Have you traveled anywhere recently? More specifically, places with high radioactive activity?”

“No. I haven’t left the city in over five years.”

“Have you been under intense stress lately? Engaging in unprotected sex with multiple partners? Doing any drugs?”

Kagome’s eyes widened. What in the hell was this doctor implying?

“Look, I’ve done nothing but work like a dog, so yeah my stress is high, but who isn’t stressed these days? And like I said earlier I don’t do drugs nor do I whore myself out to the whole neighborhood because I’ve been too busy making a living. I barely see my partner, as is.” She huffed, her discomfiture apparent with his line of questioning. “Why are you asking me these things now?”

“Just trying to rule out possibilities, Miss Higurashi. It’s my job.” The doctor replied dryly, before clearing his throat. “Given the nature of your symptoms, you’ll need a battery of tests and additional imaging to determine a probable cause.” 

“I apologize.” Kagome choked out. “But interrogation aside, what does this mean? In layman’s terms.” She waved her lab results in the air.

“It means…” He removed his glasses, leveling with her. “I’m afraid you’re going to need a referral to a neurologist…and possibly an oncologist. Though highly uncommon, it’s still a possibility that we’re looking at something more serious than just a typical migraine.”

“A-an oncologist?” Kagome blinked at him. “Isn’t that a cancer doctor?”

“Precisely. But nevertheless…”

The words of her doctor muted away as Kagome’s mind went blank.

—

“Kagome?”

“I-I’m sorry. What?”

“Will you marry me?” 

The buzzing of the restaurant hushed, replaced with ‘oohs’ and ‘oh my gosh’ as her boyfriend of two years glanced up nervously from his kneeled position. Clutched between his thumb and forefinger, a solitare diamond ring gleamed brilliantly, rivaling the sparkle of the crystal chandelier right above them. 

Too stunned to speak after the devastating news she received earlier, and now the sudden proposal, Kagome’s mind short-circuited as words died on her tongue. 

Hojo shifted uncomfortably as he, and the rest of the patrons of the small restaurant, waited with baited breath for her reply—all eyes hopeful and expectant for her answer.

The room started spinning. The fractures of her already compromised emotional state expanded with each shallow breath as panic seized Kagome with a vise-like grip. 

“I…can’t do this right now.” 

A flash of hurt and confusion marred Hojo’s usually soft features. It should’ve bothered Kagome to be the source of his dismay, but all she felt was shock, followed by emptiness. She hadn’t even had the chance to tell him of her doctor’s appointment yet. 

“Why not?” Came his meek reply, barely above a whisper, but desperation laced his voice nonetheless. “We’ve been together for a while and I know that you’re the one for me. You’ve always been the one. I want to commit myself to you now and for eternity.”

“Hojo…I—“

“I know it isn’t much, but this is all I can afford. Although you make significantly more money than me as of right now, that won’t always be the case. I can and will provide for you.” Hojo cut her off, holding his hand up to silence her. “B-but don’t worry. I’ll replace it with a bigger diamond as soon as I can.” 

Embarrassed beyond belief at the gaping faces around them, Kagome grabbed his hand to stop him. “Hojo, please.”

“You don’t even have to work once I’m done with my surgery fellowship at the hospital and become an attending. Just give me a few years.” Hojo continued, still on his bent knee. His pleading brown eyes begged for Kagome’s understanding. He held on to her hand tightly, silently imploring her to see it from his perspective. 

“It’s not that, Hojo.” Kagome shook her hand out of his grasp. “You know I’ve never cared about that stuff.”

“Then what is it?” Hojo shifted defensively, finally rising to his feet. “Am I never going to be enough for you? I’ve spent years trying to prove to you that I’m better than that guy you’ve been hung up on since high school. What does he have that I don’t?!”

Kagome flinched at his sudden outburst, affronted by his sudden reaction. “What are you talking about? What guy?”

“That punk ex-boyfriend of yours who deserted you while you were ill all those years ago. It has to be him.” Hojo spurted, raising his voice enough for people around them to hear. “You don’t think I’ve noticed that your eyes get a distant look every time we’re together? I’ve tried so hard for you to notice me, Kagome. And when you finally did, I’ve done everything in my power to give you the world and more. I never gave up on you when he obviously did, leaving me to pick up the pieces!”

Kagome shot up from her seat, her fists clenched tightly in anger and a twinge of sadness. True, he had been there to comfort her and help her out as she struggled to get her life back on track since the well closed up. She knew he’d been interested in her as more than a friend, but she repeatedly dissuaded any of his advances and tried to reason with him that she wasn’t ready to date, using her recent bout with illness and heartache over a guy as an excuse. She thought he had understood then and had forgotten about it when she finally accepted his pursuits.

Oh, how she had been so wrong.

She couldn’t believe what she was hearing right now. Hojo’s avalanche of a confession completely blindsided her. 

“You think me rejecting you is about Inuyasha?!” She interjected before he could say anything further. “Are you out of your mind?!”

“Oh, so he finally has a name.”

“Hojo, that was over half a decade ago. I’ve been over him before I even got with you!” Kagome spat back, her brows furrowing as a headache began to bloom. Although things didn’t work out with Inuyasha, he was still a dear friend to her. Hojo couldn’t be farther from the truth. “Keep him out of it. This has nothing to do with him.”

 “Kagome, please. Don’t play dumb with me.” Hojo snapped irritably, taking a step back to face her fully. “I’ve waited for you all this time and yet you’re still running away!”

“I never asked you to wait for me!” She screamed back, her entire frame shaking. The whole restaurant fell deathly silent.

Kagome took measured breaths in-between gritted teeth to calm herself, despite her boiling anger and rising panic attack. She felt tears well up at the corners of her eyes, but she wiped them dry angrily before anyone noticed. How dare he embarrass her like this. All she wanted was a quiet dinner with her supposed boyfriend while she mustered the courage to tell him of her gloomy prognosis. He was a doctor, after all.

Realizing that their altercation had attracted the attention of the dining crowd, Hojo took a measured step toward her distraught form, his hand outstretched to grab her. “Kagome. I—“ 

She flinched as his hand made contact with her shoulder. Backing away from him, she held her hand out to stop his advance. “No.”

“Kagome, honey, I’m so sorry—”

“I said no!” Kagome yelled, taking another step back. Needing to relieve the suffocation and the accusatory stares, she hastily grabbed her coat and purse from her chair and bolted for the door. “Screw this and screw you, Hojo!”

“Kagome, wait!”

She bee-lined for the exit, tuning out Hojo’s cries and the shocked gasps from their audience for leaving her almost-fiancé-turned-ex-boyfriend behind.

—

She ran.

Her body on autopilot, Kagome pushed her way through the throngs of people that obstructed her way, her destination unknown. She needed to get away from Hojo, from the restaurant, from the train wreck that was her life. 

Her lungs burned. 

Her legs hurt. 

Her heart clenched. 

Her mind whirled. 

Kagome felt like she had been thrown through the wringer again. She had already fought for her survival once and triumphed, in a different life. The overwhelming feeling of dread nestled in the pit of her stomach like dead weight just as it had during the final moments with Naraku all those years ago, except this time she didn’t have her friends to fight with her nor a daiyoukai to assuage her fears and give her the strength to persevere.

Her sight blurred with the barrage of tears at the thought of her friends and Sesshoumaru. Of all times, her memory of him decided to rear its head from the confines of her boxed emotions, sealed away with the rest of her Feudal Era memories. She shouldn’t be thinking of him now, and not ever. She promised herself he was but a fragment of a half-gone life—never to be accessed again—for her own sanity. 

But if he were here right now, he probably would’ve sneered at the ridiculousness of it all and offered to kill her pathetic boyfriend for her. Or he would tell her to stop crying because it was foolish, in his weird Sesshoumaru-way. She would retaliate with some wimpy response and he would still dismiss it as moot and remind her that she defeated one of the most barbarous foes that tainted this world with his filthy scum. Hojo didn’t stand a chance. 

Overwhelmed with emotion, Kagome stopped running in the middle of a busy sidewalk and laughed as tears cascaded down her cheeks in rivulets. Passersby gave her strange looks while others bumped into her, some cursing profanities for being in the way.

Sesshoumaru couldn’t help her now, so why did he come to the forefront of her mind?

A sudden jolt roused her from her misgivings—the force of the collision sent her flying  backwards before she realized what happened. A sharp pain pierced through her already throbbing head upon hitting the ground. 

“Ow.” Kagome winced clutching the side of her head as she laid on the concrete. Her headache pounded against her skull mercilessly, blurring her vision. Did she also split her head open? 

Shrouded by the shadow cast by the streetlight, Kagome couldn’t make out the stranger’s features as he extended a hand to help her up. She took the proffered hand without question as she sat upright. Completely unprepared, her world turned on its axis the moment he spoke.

“Are you alright?”

 Her throat went dry and her motions stilled at the all-too familiar baritone voice that emanated from the tall man. 

It couldn’t be…

The man crouched down to her level. Honey brown eyes scanned her form, assessing for injuries. Kagome finally swallowed enough courage to face her assailant-turned-savior. Disappointment washed over her in waves as his short, dark hair swayed with the passing wind. 

“Miss. Are you okay?” The man asked again. 

“Uh…is my head bleeding?” Kagome choked out, her voice and strength returning to her. 

The man shook his head.

“I’m so sorry for bumping into you. I wasn’t looking.” She bowed her head in apology, but instantly regretted it as her temples thrummed more intensely, making her wince.

“Hn,” said the man, his eyes flicking in a moment of recognition, before hardening again. “Be mindful of your surroundings next time.”

He helped her up to her feet, her purse in his hand. Kagome stared at the man as she took her bag from him, committing his features to memory. He wasn’t who she thought he was, despite the butterflies in her stomach that told her otherwise. But as she observed him more closely, she couldn’t help but draw parallels to a silver-haired daiyoukai with each of his movements, his imposing presence, and his unequivocal stance. They even had the same angular face, down to the signature impassive expression as he watched her watching him. 

“Is something on my face? You have been staring at me for quite some time.”

“S-sorry. You just…remind me of someone.”

The man grunted again, before turning on his heels to walk away, not saying another word. Kagome almost smiled at his retreating form, momentarily transporting her to another time where thigh-length moonlight hair swayed with each step. 

“Wait!”

The man stopped in his tracks but didn’t turn around. Kagome almost chuckled at the familiar scene. 

“I-I don’t know your name.” Kagome lowered her head slightly despite her throbbing headache, mindful of the angle of hew bow this time. “I want to thank you properly, Mister…” 

“Taisho.” 

“Nice to meet you, Taisho—ah, I mean, Mister Taisho.” Keeping her head down, Kagome cursed herself at her informality. “Oh…and thanks…and…uh, I’m sorry, again.”

“It is of no consequence,” Mr. Taisho replied, facing her. “And you are…?”

“Ah, right! Sorry. I’m Kagome. Higurashi Kagome.” Had she not kept her head down, she would’ve caught the man tensing at the mention of her name. 

“You do not need to keep apologizing.” He replied, his tone clipped. 

“R-right. Well, have a good night.” Kagome countered in hurried succession, standing upright once more before running to the packed bus that conveniently stopped in front of them. She scooted herself as far away from the window as possible, hoping to save face from the sheer embarrassment of her actions. 

Unbeknownst to her, Mr. Taisho stayed rooted to his spot as he watched the bus pull away, his brown irises lightening to molten amber. 

—

Sleep eluded Kagome that night, and the following nights ahead. Never mind the atrocious dinner proposal that she had with Hojo. He had called her repeatedly since that incident, but she didn’t have the fortitude nor the patience to deal with him and his groveling for his downright embarrassing actions. She knew she needed to get to the bottom of his not-so-little tantrum that came out of left field. But more importantly, she needed to sort herself out. Unbeknownst to him, his little tirade opened a pandora’s box of emotions with his accusations. 

Why did she reject him? Perhaps there had been some truth to what he had said. Though he had missed the mark with Inuyasha, was she really not over her budding feelings for his brother? She had been putting effort into their relationship since she had vowed to move on with her life and forget the past. It had only been a little over a year since she took Hojo seriously, or as seriously as she could despite their busy work schedule. He had thrown in the idea of moving in together about three months ago, but per usual, she brushed the idea off casually, citing that they needed to date longer before she could commit to that next big step. Had she been ignoring the signs that he was rushing into things?

Her fiasco with Hojo aside, she also couldn’t get the man she’d accidentally bumped into out of her mind. Her predicament wasn’t helped as she tossed and turned into the early hours of the morning while another familiar face plagued her subconscious. She hated to admit it, but she  missed Sesshoumaru terribly. Bumping into his doppelgänger was the catalyst that broke the levee of repressed emotions, allowing them to finally breach the surface. 

Sleep-deprived and tethering on the edge of delirium, she finally phoned her doctor for some help nearly a week after that night. She was also able to get some much needed rest, thanks to a generous dose of pharmaceutically-induced comas. Though the sleeping pills made her feel like absolute shit in the mornings, it tamed her perseverating thoughts from running amok at night and wreaking more havoc in her already hectic schedule. 

Days turned to weeks and Kagome still thought of the mysterious man. She took on more clients and volunteered herself to attend work functions in the hopes of bumping into him during one of these events. But after the fifth of sixth consecutive ‘networking’ soiree, she wanted to voluntarily admit herself into a mental institution. Even she had a limit to her social batteries, especially when she had to continue to conduct herself professionally after her grueling 14-hour shifts in the office. She even scoured the internet for leads, but her online searches for a ‘Taisho’ were just as grim. Some were in her field of work, but they were all in their late seventies or deceased. Two were doctors at Hojo’s institution, but she’d rather be caught dead before she reached out to him for assistance.

She was going insane trying to find this man. 

Chalking the accidental meeting as nothing more than what it was—a chance encounter with a stranger who happened to share striking similarities to a certain daiyoukai that she’d tried to forget—Kagome had wanted to throw in the towel. But try as she might to push her thoughts astray, she couldn’t shake the feeling off that he was the same guy—disguised as a human, somehow. As she mulled over the probability of his double identity, another thought sprouted like an pestering weed.

Maybe Sesshoumaru didn’t want to be found. Not surprising, since he valued his privacy immensely—a fact he’d shared with her during one of their many evening rendezvous way back when.

But then again…

What if he had been looking for her all this time but he didn’t know how? After all, he had only addressed her as ‘miko’ except during the battle with Naraku, and she never told him her surname.

Kagome wanted to laugh at how pathetic she’d become. She was no longer a hormonal teenager and yet she was behaving like a crazed fangirl stalking her bias. She figured he had better things to do than to search for one out of eight billion humans, if he even survived this long. Besides, their time together was so short and represented a fleeting moment in his millennia-long lifespan. Even if Sesshoumaru had lived to the present time, Kagome had a feeling that he probably wouldn’t have gone looking for her, painful as it was to admit. They were friends, at best, before her abrupt disappearance.

Deciding to forfeit her manhunt, Kagome immersed herself into her usual routine to prevent wandering thoughts and the dangerous ‘what-if’s.’ She couldn’t live like this anymore.

Juggling her full-time job, maintaining a semblance of normalcy for her family and social circles while avoiding Hojo’s calls like the plague, and quietly seeking second (and third) opinions for her mysterious illness all kept her occupied. Yet, despite her best efforts to keep things moving, her headaches and clumsiness had been growing in intensity regardless of the meds she took or the ‘holistic alternatives’ she engaged in. Her physician’s words echoed in the background with each migraine attack , but her blinding optimism kept her from confronting her problem and booking the next available appointment with a neurologist—never mind the oncologist.

She was not sick. The words ‘cancer’ and ‘a career-focused twenty-something-health-conscious-woman’ just didn’t exist in her vocabulary. 

Ignoring her worsening symptoms, Kagome continued on with her life in falsified bliss, refusing to believe the inevitable. 

—

At twenty-four, Kagome’s fears were confirmed.  

Over the past few weeks, her headaches had been more relentless and increased in frequency despite the several over-the-counter migraine pills she had in her arsenal. It was only a matter of time until her ailments became debilitating, forcing her to take a leave of absence from work. 

She was a fighter though, and she refused to let the headaches take away more from her life than it already had. Unfortunately, this included finally closing the chapter with Hojo.

Even though she deserted Hojo at the restaurant, he still tried to make things work between them, much to her chagrin. But after much contemplation, Hojo deserved better than the six months of silence she gave him since their last encounter. She decided it was time to hear him out. 

Kagome finally gave in to his endless requests of having dinner—sans proposal—to apologize, to clear the air and end things, for good. In addition to the realization that she didn’t feel as strongly for him as he did for her, she didn’t want Hojo to be saddled with the responsibility of dealing with her illness and her convalescence for who knows how long. She still had a conscience. 

Swallowing a few painkillers to help her get through the awkward dinner, Kagome checked herself in the mirror and recited a few mantras to give her strength to endure before leaving her apartment. 

Hard as it was, Kagome somehow made it through the difficult dinner. They ended the night with a few tears and a well overdue farewell hug before going their separate ways. Kagome wanted to soak in her tub to cleanse the stresses away and start anew, but her migraine came in full-force merely steps away from her apartment building. She felt her vision swarm until blackness enveloped her in a tight embrace, before face-planting on the pavement. 

——

The brightness of the overhead fluorescent lights, the aseptic smell, and the cacophony of alarms and voices assaulted her senses like no other, waking her up from her stupor. 

“Where…am I?” Kagome sat upright as the world came back into focus. 

The sudden movement caused a new onset of dizziness that made her lay back down on the stretcher. 

“Ugh…my head.”

“It’s probably not a good idea to do that again given your condition, Miss Higurashi.”

Whiplashing her neck to the source of the deeply rich voice, Kagome ignored the sharp sting on her temple and blinked the lightheadedness away as the dark-haired man from months prior came into view. 

“It’s you!!” Kagome shrieked, clutching her throbbing head. “What are you doing here?!”

Unlike their last encounter where he was shrouded in shadows, the bright lights hid nothing from view. The resemblance was too uncanny. If Sesshoumaru had a long-lost human twin, this guy was it. The irony wasn’t lost on her as she noticed him wearing a white coat over his magenta dress shirt and black slacks, a stethoscope adorning his neck, and a medical penlight in his grasp. The Killing Perfection of her past—rather, his doppelgänger— was now standing before her, under the guise of saving lives: sworn to ‘do no harm,’ as dictated by the oath he had to take before entering practice. 

“We have met before, under different circumstances,” said the man, stepping aside to make room as she sat up again, slowly this time. “I’m Dr. Taisho, and you are in the hospital.”

“D-doctor?!” Kagome asked, eyes wide like saucers. “What am I doing here?”

“You were found down and unresponsive on the sidewalk. Paramedics were called. You are in the emergency room, awaiting a bed upstairs,” the doctor said in succession as he clicked his pen light on. “I will be doing a series of neurological tests on you to assess the extent of your injuries. Do you recall anything?”

She shook her head in response, still reeling from the shock of waking up in the hospital, and face-to-face with the familiar stranger from months prior. Just as she had given up on finding him, he appeared before her when she least expected it. Comical. 

“Gods, what a cruel joke you’re playing on me.” She muttered to herself.

“Excuse me?” 

“Uh…nothing. What was your question?”

Dr. Taisho sighed, but made no baffling remarks, to her surprise. She expected his biting remarks about her being inattentive and careless, but when his only response was the clicking and re-clicking of his pen light, she flushed in embarrassment and tried to recall the events before waking up disoriented in a hospital bed.

“Right. I uh….” Kagome began, twiddling her thumbs. She couldn’t muster up the courage to look him square in the eye. 

“Take your time,” he said calmly. She snuck a peek and found him studying her, as if he were dissecting her with his gaze. It made her heart flutter.

Stupid, of course he's looking at you. You’re a patient right now and he’s a doctor. It’s his job. She mentally chastised.

Clearing her throat at her own crassness, she tried again. “I was walking home from dinner. I was a few steps away from my apartment when my migraine suddenly came out of nowhere, but it was more painful than the usual. Then I was seeing double. Next thing I know…I woke up here.”

“You said you had a migraine and vision disturbances. How long has this been going on?”

“It’s been months now. Probably closer to a year, actually….” Kagome trailed off, unable to finish her sentence as guilt chewed her insides. She’d been in denial since her initial doctor’s appointment, and now she was paying the repercussions of her actions. “I was supposed to see a neurologist for a referral visit, but…” 

“But?” 

“I… haven’t gotten around to it.” Kagome admitted hesitantly, wincing form the sudden flash of the penlight on her irises. 

“And why’s that?” He pressed on, sparing her no reprieve from her negligence.

Kagome sighed as she recounted the first onset of her symptoms, her doctor’s visit, and the progression of her disability while he continued to poke and prod her. Her chest constricted as she spoke, finally confronting herself that something was definitely wrong with her. 

Dr. Taisho frowned as he finished his exam. “Your symptoms align with your scans. Are you aware that you have a tumor in your brain?” 

Unable to find her voice at the confirmation of her malady, Kagome could only offer a slow, weak nod; comprehending but not fully understanding the gravity behind his words. 

Dr. Taisho took her silent nod as his cue to continue. “Given its location, it could be a meningioma, a slow-forming and benign intracranial tumor, in most cases. The headaches you’ve been experiencing could be attributed to the increased intracranial pressure brought on by the growing tumor. The only way to confirm its malignancy is by surgery—to biopsy the tissue, followed by resection.”

Kagome could not help but frown at the medical jargon, but one term caught her attention. “S-surgery?”

The tall doctor pulled up a chair next to her stretcher and sat down, his face almost leveled with hers. “The surgical procedure is called a craniotomy. A part of your skull would be removed to reach the tumor. Once the tumor is excised and swelling has subsided, an artificial plate will be used to close the opening. You will need to undergo radiation therapy to prevent reoccurrence post-surgery.” He supplied calmly, as if commenting on the weather. “This is the most effective approach for symptomatic meningiomas, such as your case.”

“So, I could live.” Kagome asked warily, not quite believing the doctor’s statement. 

Dr. Taisho nodded. “I must warn you, Miss Higurashi. Despite your tumor growing on the surface, we won’t know for sure how deep the tumor has penetrated your brain tissue until you are on the table.” 

“Okay…what aren’t you saying?”

His expression still remained impassive as he looked straight into her, his gaze piercing. “There could also be…complications. There is a chance things may go awry during the surgery and during the recovery phase. The tumor may also reappear in another location, at a later time. Nothing is guaranteed.”

Kagome wanted to chuckle. Five hundred years later and he still wasn’t great with articulating words. “So I could still die. If not in the OR, then once I’m out.”

“Indeed.”

Kagome lowered her gaze to her hands and grew quiet once more. Despite her limited medical knowledge from nursing many wounds during her Feudal Era days, she knew nothing of tumors—especially not ones lodged in her head of all places. Surgery was possible, increasing her chances of survival, but only if the tumor was successfully removed. She would also be undergoing multiple rounds of radiation, and who knows how many more hospitalizations and doctor appointments after both surgeries. Her quality of life moving forward, if she even had one, would still be a huge gamble, at best. 

Kagome swallowed hard. “H-how you do you know all this?”

“I am a neurosurgeon, specializing in tumor resection. I was consulted by the primary team after your scans came back. I believe this is the best course for you, given your age.” 

A tsunami of emotions flooded Kagome as if she’d been sentenced to life in prison, rendering her utterly speechless. She had been in denial all this time. Hearing the verdict from the very specialist she had avoided sucker-punched her in the gut within fifteen minutes of meeting—or in their case—being reacquainted again. She didn’t know if she wanted to scream, cry, laugh, or all of the above. But of all of the emotions coursing through her, resentment and relief trumped above all else. She was furious because she had a tumor in her brain, yet somehow the news felt cathartic because she finally had a diagnosis--an answer to the root of her problem. 

“I am sorry for being the bearer of bad news, Miss Higurashi.” Dr. Taisho said quietly, his voice tinged with regret. “I know this is a lot to take in, but I am here to answer any questions.”

Despite what or who he may look like, Kagome wanted to be angry at this doctor for bursting her bubble of ignorance. For the diagnosis that took away everything she’d worked hard for since arriving on the other side of the well in an instant. And lastly, for the unfairness of the gods for sucking the life out of her, with no way of retrieving it. 

But she had no fight in her left. 

“Will you be performing the surgery on me?” Kagome asked, her voice cracking.

“Yes.” Dr. Taisho presented a clipboard with documents outlining the surgery and a pen. “I’m here to inform you of your diagnosis and attain consent for the surgical procedure.”

Tears flowed down her cheeks as she sat still, absorbing the dump of information she’d just received. Overwhelmed, Kagome resigned herself to crying her sorrow out in front of this man, unable to hold back the dam of emotions she didn’t even know she had been bottling up since her last cry months ago, also in front of him. Gone was the girl who fought tooth-and-nail for a sliver of hope against all odds. Now, she couldn’t muster up enough energy to face this crisis. 

For the second time in her life, Kagome did not want to fight. She just wanted to flee. 

The dark-haired doctor remained unmoving as he continued his silent vigil while she poured her sorrow out in torrents. He did not offer any other consoling words, which she was thankful for. She didn’t need pity, especially not his. 

“Miss Higurashi.” Dr. Taisho spoke again after a few minutes, tapping his pen against the clipboard to get her attention. “Your consent.”

His inquiry snapped Kagome out of her grim disposition. Not wanting to look at the doctor, Kagome turned her head to stare at the framed image behind him instead. The illustration depicted a lush, green slope with a snowy, jagged mountain range and cumulus clouds in the background. Small, brown cottages sparsely dotted the verdant landscape. The scene looked placid and soothing, a far cry from the warring emotions that swirled inside her. 

The enlarged photo provided her a moment of tranquility—like a slather of anesthetic on a gaping, open wound. She wished she could teleport herself there now.

“Where is that?” She asked noncommittally, ignoring the doctor’s request for her consent. 

“Where is what?”

“That,” she pointed to the framed piece behind him. He swiveled around and studied the landscape, his perfectly shaped brows wrinkling in contemplation. The doctor scanned the image until he found the small text on the bottom right of the photo. 

“Grindelwald.” He finally said, turning his attention back to her with a small scowl. “Why do you ask? You have more pressing matters at the moment.”

Ignoring the doctor’s snippy reply, Kagome pressed on. “Where’s Grindelwald? Do I need sorcery to get there?”

“Switzerland.” Dr. Taisho replied, but a flicker in his eyes was his only giveaway that he was taken aback by her question. “No sorcery or magic needed. I believe an airplane will suffice.”

“Oh.” 

If she was dying, then she should be allowed to choose where she wanted to spend her remaining days. She let out a bitter chuckle as she allowed herself to reminisce about the Sengoku Jidai. The photo reminded her of the past—being close to nature, with just a faint touch of civilization. If only the well still worked…

But unlike the Feudal Era, Grindelwald was still within her reach. She didn’t need a magical time portal to take her there. This doctor said so himself.

With her mind made up, Kagome stood up. She gripped the end of the stretcher for balance until she felt stable enough on her feet. 

“If you need—“

She swallowed the bitter sting of bile that rose from her churning stomach; the sensation paling in comparison to the bitterness she harbored at her current situation.

“Thank you for you time, Dr. Taisho, but I won’t be going through with the surgery.” Kagome interrupted, gathering her clothes from the chair next to the stretcher. “In fact, I’m going.”

The clipboard hit the floor with a loud bang as the doctor stood up not a second later. Using his body as a barrier between the stretcher and the sliding door, Dr. Taisho shot her a warning look. 

“I do not advise this course of action, Miss Higurashi. You are unwell.”

“I’m allowed to leave at my own discretion.” Kagome looked straight into his eyes, reignited by her newfound desire to depart as soon as possible. “Even against medical advice.”

The doctor bristled at her remark, but refused to move. They exchanged hardened looks for what felt like an eternity, until Kagome finally relented and blinked a few tears away.

“Please…I can’t stay here any longer.”

With a huff, the staring contest ended and the tall doctor finally stepped aside to allow her passage. 

“I will have the nurse prepare the AMA forms for you to sign.” He turned to leave the room, but stopped before crossing the threshold. “You are making a grave mistake.”

Kagome pulled the curtain between them to change into her clothing. “I understand, but my answer remains the same. Thanks for your concern.”

“The Kagome I know would’ve taken the lifeline presented to her without a second thought, even if it meant defying fate and altering the future. She would have wanted to live…because she didn’t break promises.” He imparted dryly, a hint of disappointment in his voice. “Perhaps I was mistaken.”

On the other side of the curtain, Kagome stilled mid-dress. Dr. Taisho’s admission froze the blood in her veins. His cryptic words didn’t make sense unless…

Unless he was there. Five hundred years ago.

Kagome tripped on the chair as she forcefully parted the curtain, hoping that he didn’t disappear while she picked herself up from the floor. But as her sight met the empty space of the enclosed room, her hope deflated as quickly as it came. 

Dr. Taisho was gone.

—

Kagome ran from one medical personnel to the next, demanding answers on the whereabouts of Dr. Taisho. Most gave her confused looks, while others shrugged and continued on with their tasks. Slumped against one of the benches near the entrance, she was at her wits’ end and had been too tired to continue her seach by the time her nurse found her.

“Excuse me. Are you Miss Higurashi?” The petite nurse inquired, a small stack of forms and an envelope in her hand.

Kagome looked up and nodded. “How can I help you?”

“Dr. Taisho told me you wanted to leave AMA, but I couldn’t find you in your room. I have the signed paperwork here, along with a dossier of the treatments you received.” The nurse said as she handed Kagome the documents and an envelope. “He also instructed me to give this to you.”

Kagome snatched the papers and signed quickly. She ripped the envelope open, hoping to find his contact information or a note inside. Her face fell as she stared at the prescription he wrote, and nothing else.

“Is Dr. Taisho still here? I need to speak to him immediately.”

“Unfortunately, Dr. Taisho left for the night.” The nurse quipped. “In fact, tonight was his last shift.” 

Kagome arched a brow. “His last shift? Did he get fired?!”

The nurse chortled. “Oh not at all! He was on a contract as a visiting physician. We all wished he could’ve stayed, though. He was brilliant, as he was eye candy.” 

Kagome couldn’t stop the wave of fresh tears that blurred her vision, mewling at the nurse’s reply. She had lost him, again.

The nurse stopped laughing and frantically searched her pockets for a tissue. “I-I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to upset you!” 

“It’s alright.” Kagome reassured through her tears. Tonight was just…not her night. “I’ve…had a rough stretch. I just…” Kagome clutched the nurse’s hand in a desperate attempt, sobbing through her words. “Please….I really need him right now.”

“I-I could give you the number to his office! If you wait here a moment, I can get it from our directory. Call them first thing in the morning. They might know which facility he’s going to next,” said the flustered nurse as she handed Kagome a packet of gauze. “This is all I have.”  

“I’d appreciate that.” Kagome flashed her a soft smile, taking the gauze to wipe hey eyes. “Thank you.”

Half an hour later, Kagome strolled out of the emergency room with a heavy heart, saddened by the missed opportunity to reunite with Sesshoumaru once again. She couldn’t refute her gut feeling about the man now, especially after he gave himself away with his remark. He wouldn’t have been so familiar with how she used to be nor would he have known about her role in fate’s game unless he was physically there. 

There was still a very big chance that she’d lost him for good, especially with how she ended their conversation. She hated to admit it, but he was right when he said she was making a mistake, but denial kept her from seeing his attempt to help her. Had she been in the right state of mind, she would’ve signed the forms, keeping her faith in his hands, quite literally. He did inform her that he would be performing the surgery himself. Knowing Sesshoumaru, he was the definition of a perfectionist. She had been mentally kicking herself for her blunder ever since. 

But as she glanced down at the number the nurse haphazardly scribbled on a napkin, Kagome felt a spark ignite from inside her. 

Despite her bleak prognosis, Kagome allowed herself to hang on to hope. 

——

“I’m sorry, ma’am, but we aren’t allowed to disclose physicians’ personal information.” 

Kagome wanted to rip her hair out. She had been trying to contact the office for three days, but to no avail. It didn’t help that she was discharged on a Friday night, and the outpatient office operated on a Monday to Friday schedule. This, however, didn’t stop her from leaving multiple messages on their answering service over the weekend, hoping for a callback sooner than later. But when Monday rolled in and she still hadn’t received any calls, Kagome took matters into her own hands and decided to phone in again.

She cried out in relief when a live person picked up on the other line, only to be crushed by the news that Dr. Taisho was no longer part of their practice. The receptionist wasn’t willing to divulge any information either. 

“I’m a patient of his.” Kagome pleaded on the other line. “He came by on Friday to get my consent for a procedure and I’ve changed my mind and want to proceed. I really need to speak with him.” 

“I understand your plight, ma’am, but as I said before, I can’t give out his contact information. It is strictly against policy.”

Kagome sighed, exasperated. “Fine. Could you at least tell me which hospital he’s going to next?”

“I don’t have that information available either." The receptionist said sternly. “He didn’t leave any specifics.” 

Kagome covered the receiver to muffle the sob that escaped her lips, deflating on the other line. She had him in her grasp. Her idiocy made him slip away like sand through her fingers. She only had herself to blame.

“I hope I don’t get fired for this, but…he did mention something about going to Europe next.”

Kagome perked up. “E-Europe? Did he say where exactly?”

“No, unfortunately not.” 

This receptionist was cruel. 

Nevertheless, Kagome decided to thank her for the tip and politely ended the conversation before she said anything she might regret later. She needed to focus on herself, not going half-mad to chase after a man who clearly didn’t want to be found…again. She simply had no more energy to waste on finding him again.

Stupid Sesshoumaru! To hell with you, see if I care! Kagome reasoned with herself, even though deep down she knew it was a lie.

She did care.

But she was tired of the chase.

She was a grown woman now, with real problems, and a nearing expiration date. Kagome vowed to put all her efforts on focusing on herself and her one-way trip.

The rest of her time was spent researching all she could about Grindelwald and Switzerland. The more she learned about the beautiful country, the stronger her conviction became in leaving her homeland behind for her last adventure. Waist-deep in her search, she stumbled upon an organization that offered services to assist terminally ill patients in ending their life with dignity, in their own terms, as long as certain criteria were met. Kagome internally bickered whether she wanted to go down this rabbit hole or not, even coming close to submitting her application a few times. But after much deliberation, she decided not to go through with the consultation, though she jotted the information down in her places to visit should her circumstances change, just in case. 

Once all her affairs were in order, Kagome bought her one-way ticket to Zürich, put in her two weeks’ notice at her job, and informed her landlord of her early lease termination. Only one obstacle remained in fully executing her plan, and it caused her the most grief, putting it off until the very last. 

Two months after her hospital trip, Kagome found herself at the bottom of the shrine steps of her childhood home. Heart heavy and eyes filled with tears, Kagome mustered all of her crumbling courage as she reluctantly ascended the stairwell, her large suitcase in tow. 

It was time to let her family know of her open-ended departure. 

—

  Kagome didn’t know how to proceed, but her mama eased the tension in a way that she always did. With some coaxing, Kagome unraveled like a spool as she laid everything bare— her diagnosis, her inner struggles, and her plans on leaving the country. She was proud of herself for keeping her dramatics and wailing cries to a bare minimum and not going through a psychotic meltdown in front of her already distressed mother. 

As expected, her mother pleaded with her multiple times to reconsider her actions and seek treatment much closer to home, but Kagome insisted that this was the right course. She phrased her departure as her way of coping with her illness, her last-ditch effort to re-establish a relationship with herself, and to find her will to live. She didn’t divulge on the details of her ulterior motive, however. Her poor mother could only handle so much heartache in one sitting.

A new pot of hot tea with two empty cups was placed neatly on top of the wooden coffee table. Kagome and her mother sat across from each other, both staring at the steam that rose from the clay spout. Kagome was glad her mother broke the suffocating tension in the room as she moved to fill the cups with the hot beverage, her eyes puffy and red from the intense conversation they just had. 

“Tea?” Mama Higurashi offered, glancing up at her daughter with a soft, saddened smile. 

Kagome nodded, taking the cup. Even with her mind made up, she still couldn’t face her completely. Guilt still shackled her down. 

“I’m sorry, Mama.”

“Don’t be. I’m the one who should be apologizing. I'm sorry for not realizing that you’ve been struggling all this time.” The Higurashi matriarch stroked her daughter’s bony hand. Kagome knew her mother wasn’t happy with her weight loss, but she didn’t speak her dismay. Kagome didn’t even realize she’d shed pounds until her tight-fitting jeans hung loosely on her protruding hip bones as of late. 

“It’s alright, Mama. No one can fix me but myself.” Kagome licked her dry lips before taking a shuddered breath, her lungs and heart hurting in the process. She stifled a sob as her mother’s somber eyes became misty once more. Her grasp on her hand tightened as if Kagome was going to disappear if she were to let go. 

Mama Higurashi reached across the table to hold on to Kagome’s hands, offering her strength for the both of them. “I’ve always trusted your judgment, even when you were still so young and so far away. I just wish…” She trailed off as a fresh wave of tears streamed down the older woman’s face. “I wish we had more time together.”

Kagome stood up from her chair to hug her mother. “Me too, Mama.”

The melancholic mood blanketed the mother-daughter duo as they held each other tightly for a few minutes, knowing this would be one of their lasts—if not—their last hug. Kagome wanted to comfort her by offering to visit, but she didn’t want her mother to hold on to false hope in the event that she doesn’t come back, for better or for worse. 

Mama Higurashi pulled away from their embrace. “Souta is away for soccer tournament and Grandpa is still in the mountains on a retreat. Are you sure you don’t want to postpone your trip so you could say goodbye to them?”

Kagome shook her head. She knew if she stayed, she would never leave. Her crumbling resolve aside, her brother and grandfather would stop at nothing to prevent her departure. 

“It’s better this way. You know how those two get.”

“It’s because they love you so much, Kagome.” Mama Higurashi gave a knowing chuckle, sniffling. “We all do.”

“I love you too. More than you will ever know.” 

“Before you go, could you at least take this?” Mama Higurashi freed herself from her daughter’s embrace and walked over to the coat closet. Dusting the faded yellow backpack, Mama Higurashi held it up for Kagome’s inspection. “Let me pack you some supplies, at least. Just like the old times.”

Kagome wanted to laugh at the irony and protest, but the pleading look in the elder Higurashi’s features gave her pause. If this would make it easier for her mother to process her leaving, then Kagome wouldn’t deny her. 

“Hah, sure. Just like old times.”

An hour later later, Kagome walked out of her childhood home, her suitcase and stuffed yellow backpack in hand. Strolling past Goshinboku, Kagome paused at the gargantuan tree and traced the mark where Inuyasha had slumbered over half a millennia ago. She allowed her  memories to flood her senses once more. This would be her closure—the finality she’d desperately needed to move on as a new adventure awaited her on the other side of the world. 

——