Killing the Laptop by Kagaku-sha

Kill The LapTop!!!!!!!!!!

Kill The LAPTOP!!!!

My first humor/ parody fic… better yet my first attempt.

Killing the Laptop...

By: Kjinuyasha

After living amongst one another for a few months he seemed to rarely acknowledge me. He was always so absorbed with his work, and I found myself becoming jealous of that laptop of his.

Whenever I wanted to be with him for a few hours he would always say, "I'm supporting the two of us now. I can't afford to allow my company to go under because I wish to spend time with my woman. I can't let it happen and I won't."

When we made love It felt like he was doing a laboring task instead of loving my body.

And when he finished he would get up and go straight to that dumb ass laptop!

Once upon a time he used to actually hold me after intercourse. He used to sleep in the same room as me; and he used to tell me every waking moment how much he loved me.

Now, he never even so much as looked at me. Was I such a burden to him? Am I too fat?!?! Or have I just gotten ugly? Am I such a nuisance? Maybe there's another woman. Oh Kami forbid!

Maybe he was always like this, or maybe he was abducted by aliens and replaced with this... thing that sits before me hacking away at that damnable keyboard.

Okay, now I'm rambling, but I can't help but ask myself-

-'WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?!?!?!' . Does he not love me anymore?

I thought I had pulled the stick out of his ass long ago. I didn't think I left any residual pieces. I mean, hadn't I been the one to melt his frozen heart and mend what had been shattered in to pieces. Wasn't I the woman who he said he loved????

Something... or someone is taking him from me. And the only way to find out if it's work or another woman... is to plot on killing the laptop.

"Hmmm" I wondered aloud. How was I to approach this situation? Maybe I'd wait until he's asleep? Yes, and when he's asleep I'll creep into the living room and smash his lover into pieces with the baseball bat. Though it was more of a little slugger that I had gotten from the Tokyo Sluggers Museum.

What ever you want to call it!!! It would serve to carry out the task I wish it to.

Now... Normally he'd fall asleep on the couch around 2 in the morning.

I think I'll make a quick stop to the local gas station and pick up some of those Boner Beez sexual desire stimulators...

DAMN! But he'll be suspicious if I leave now.

Seems as though my plans will have to wait.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@@@@@@@@@@@@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1:00 AM.

I laid in our king sized bed... pretending to read Dr. Phil's latest book.

I really couldn't get into Dr. Phil, he was just so... weird. I still heard the clicking of keys. I sighed in annoyance, and got up out of the bed.

I pulled my robe a little tighter and walked down stairs into the front room. I watched him as he sat there on the leather couch hacking away at the keyboard of that annoying laptop.

I scowled at the computer evilly as the green-eyed monster reared its ugly head once again.

In my mind I pretended to see a big green blobby monster with glowing green eyes growling and roaring. 'RAAAWWWRRR!'

I felt a smirk pull at my lips and I had to stop myself before I did something I'd most likely feel guilty about later; but something in my head kept telling me that if I killed the laptop I'd feel no remorse.

"Sesshou," I called out to him, "come to bed, please?"

"Hn, in a minute Gome, I'm just finishing up this report."

I sighed. "I miss you."

Then I began to pout and allowed a tear to roll down my eye. I deserved an Oscar because this seemed to work most of the time.

"I'm so tired of going to sleep alone at night. I miss being close to you. If only for one night, would you please come to bed and actually stay there?"

I heard him sigh, and I knew I had won. I did a victory dance in my head. * WOOP Go Kagome! WOOP! WOOP go Kagome! * I sang in my mind.

I watched as he closed his laptop and stood from the couch.

He looked at me and began to advance.

I let a smile play on my lips... and I wrapped my arms around his neck when he finally reached me.

"Don't you remember when we first made love together?" I whispered seductively in his ear.

I felt him shiver against me and close his eyes.

I glared over his shoulder at the laptop and mouthed the words... 'I win this time.'

If I didn't know any better I could have sworn I heard it call me a bitch.

Shaking the feeling off, I pulled Sesshoumaru up the steps and into our bedroom while tugging at his shirt.

He began to kiss my lips passionately. It had been a while since I had a kiss like that from him... This time around he really seemed sincere.

"I'm sorry Kagome... I know I've been neglecting my duties as a lover... but everything's been so hectic at the office lately... And I don't know what I'd do if I wasn't able to provide for you."

I shushed him, and placed a finger over his lips.

"You're talking entirely too much."

What I really wanted to say was, 'You're just trying to protect that precious computer of yours! But after tomorrow night it will no longer exist!!! MUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!' Evil laugh and everything.

However, I surpressed the urge and kissed him... hard.

Once I had his shirt off I began trailing kisses across his jaw and neck.

He pulled my robe open and fondled my breasts. I moaned and he growled. How long had it been since he touched me like he cared?

'Don't forget! You have a mission!' My mind screamed at me.

I can enjoy this while I can... can't I?

Yes, and I would.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@@@@@@@@@@@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I looked over at the red numbers glowing on the digital alarm clock.

It read 4:15 AM.

I looked over at Sesshoumaru's naked form, damn he was a fine speciman. It was the first time I had actually seen him asleep next to me in months.

Smiling warmly, I thought to myself that this should happen more than often.

I scooted closer to him and buried my nose into is neck. He unconsciously wrapped his arm around me and pulled me even tighter against him. I couldn't breathe, and I began to make exaggerated gagging sounds. I tried getting a little more comfortable, but I guess this wasn't so bad.

I decided to go back to sleep. He would be up in another two hours... I was going to enjoy this while I could.

@#@#@#@#@

'Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.'

The alarm clock blared annoyingly.

I sighed and groggily pressed the snooze button. I felt Sesshoumaru get up... and that's when I lifted myself up bringing the sheets with me.

"Morning he spoke smoothly."

"Morning." I replied with a yawn.

"I'm going to cleanse my body in the shower and then I'll be off."

I sighed again. Then smirked.

"Would you like me to accompany you in that shower?" I said while standing from the bed allowing the sheet to fall. I walked over to him, licked his nipple, and grabbed his crotch through his boxers. I felt him become hard almost instantly as I molded my body against his.

"No! Kagome, I'd never get cleaned up if you were in there with me... and you know I can't be late to work."

"Fine!" I huffed. I rolled my eyes and stuck my tongue out at the back of his head in a childish manner.

The laptop dies and the office building accompanies it by way of fire.

MUWHAHAHAHA! Perfect!

'I think you should just stick to killing the laptop.'

My inner voice spoke in a deadpan manner. I crossed my arms and frowned.

I decided to go ahead and start breakfast.

Pulling on my robe, I headed down stairs to the kitchen, passing the evil laptop, and sticking a bird at it.

I know, how childish of me. But it started it!

I racked my fingers through my hair then went over to the sink to wash my hands. I looked in the cabinets and pulled out a skillet. I got the eggs out of the refrigerator, along with the milk, cheese, and other necessities to make a full breakfast.

I began to fry the bacon first, and then I started my famous omelet that Sesshou loved so much.

By the time everything was prepared Sesshoumaru was walking down the steps fully dressed, equipped with his brief case in one hand, and yesterday’s paper in the other.

He sat down at the table and opened the paper. I poured him a cup a coffee and prepared it just the way he liked. He began reading the paper and then took a sip of the warm black liquid when I placed it in front of him.

I fixed his plate and then sat down across from him. I watched as he placed the paper down and consume what was in front of him with much haste.

"I'll see you later Kagome." He said while standing and grabbing his things.

I followed him to the door and turned him around before he could twist the knob.

"What?" He asked hurriedly.

"I-" I began. Then without words I pulled him by the neck and pulled him into a kiss. A big, wet, sloppy one.

"Have a good day." I told him.

He smiled briefly and nodded. He walked out of the door and right when it shut my day began.

@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@

It was now 8:00 Am and I had to be at work at 9:00 I prepared myself quickly and left out of the door. I stopped by the gas station and picked up the sexual urge enhancer, just in case I forgot later, and headed to the school.

Did I mention I was a middle school teacher?

No? Well... I'm a middle school teacher, at Shikon Academy

The day passed by slowly as usual. I didn't give much homework because that was just more homework for me to accomplish.

When the bell finally rang I nearly jumped for joy.

"I'll see you tomorrow class! And I expect to see your reports on my desk first thing in the morning! I'll have the remainder of your tests graded and returned as you hand in your papers!"

The class gave a groan.

"You are dismissed I said."

All the students scrambled out of their seats hurriedly.

When everyone was gone I gathered my things and headed back home.

@@@#####@@@@@######@@@

I pulled up to the house and began my usual task of making supper. I heard Sesshoumaru walk in the door as soon as I finished placing food on the table.

How was it that he always made perfect timing?

He sat down and we shared few words.

After he finished eating I put the dishes in the sink and wiped off the counters. It was his turn to wash the dishes tonight.

I kissed him on the cheek as I passed him and said, "They're all yours."

I headed up the steps and took my shower. Rub a dub dub!!!! I remember my rubber ducky. It died about 3 years ago and I held a funeral and everything for it.  I couldn't bare the thought of replacing it. Sesshoumaru didn't see the big idea, and I almost passed out in mortification when he suggested that I just purchase a new one.

Sorry, there I go rambling again! Anyway!

We always had tea after dinner while doing work. Normally I'd sit next to him grading my papers while he hacked away at that damned laptop never once looking away.

So after I was nice and clean I prepared the tea, making sure to put the Boner Beez in his cup. Once I served the tea I took out my folder consisting of the remaining tests I had yet to grade. I didn't have much to do since I pretty much finished everything in class today.

I took a sip of my tea and watched as he did the same. It wouldn't be long before he became a sex crazed monster then be fast asleep. Or at least that's what the package said.

I listened as his typing began to increase as if he were hurrying to try and finish something.

Soon the clicking of the keyboard began to slow and then it came to a halt.

Sesshoumaru looked at me, need evident in his eyes.

I looked at his pants and saw that he had a very painful looking erection. Like seriously painful, If he were a cub scout he'd have earned the tent pitching badge.

I smirked and rose from my seat on the couch. I could feel his eyes glued to my form... focusing on every movement I made.

I stopped at the steps and motioned for him to come to me with my finger.

It was as if he were in a daze. He followed me up the steps and into our bedroom. We skipped the foreplay, and got right to business.

My robe was off in less than 2 seconds flat and I found myself squished between a comfy bed and a hot, sexy, chiseled and NAKED Sesshoumaru.

Kami had blessed me with the god of sexiness... if there is such a god in the Greek and Roman mythology.

I opened my legs eagerly... twice in one week! Wow! It's almost how we used to be.

I was already wet with need from just seeing his naked perfection. This night I didn't need flowers and romance. Seeing him in his more primal state had me clenching my thighs together to ease some of tension building in my nether regions.

I gasped as I felt him spread my legs forcefully and enter my dripping cunt. He grunted and began to move inside me. I tried to suppress a moan... but I couldn't.

He was well endowed and possessed a mushroom tipped penis and it is well known that a mushroom tipped penis gives more pleasure. Well at least that's what I saw on 'Real Sex' the other night.

He began to pound into my tight pussy repeatedly. Kamis! It felt so good!

I held onto him like a life line and wrapped my legs around his hips urging him to go deeper as he continued his agonizingly slow pace.

"Faster Sesshou!" I cried to him. He complied and picked up his thrusts.

"Harder... oh yes... oh ye- yes! That's it Sess." I heard myself moan.

"Hn." I heard him groan. He wasn't much of a talker.

I began to clench and unclench the muscles of my vagina and I heard him give a growl of satisfaction. Ah, the power of the kegel.

"Yes!!!" I screamed. "SESSHOUMARU!!!" I came with a vengeance... and he soon followed. Coating my insides with his hot seed.

He collapsed on top of me. I kissed his lips softly and wiped the sweat off is eyebrow. He smirked a little and lay beside me. When he disconnected our bond I moaned softly at the friction and waited for a few minutes until I heard a light purring.

I got up out of bed and put my robe on. Now it's time to kill that evil laptop.

I grabbed the little slugger out of the closet and closed the bedroom door silently behind me.

I knew he had an external hardrive that he placed all of his files on, so I wasn't worried about him loosing his work.

I grinned evilly at the laptop that ruined my life and took the little slugger and hit the offending piece of technology with all my might.

It cracked... a little.

Damn! I was already half beat... I didn't think the little shit would be so... durable. I picked it up and took it to the kitchen where we had marble tiles. I dropped it like you would a bag of ice and began to stomp it until I was satisfied with the results.

HA, HA, HA!!!! It was in pieces!!!!!!

I picked up the damaged laptop and placed it in its bag. I put it on the floor and went upstairs.

I'm sure he won't remember much of tonight... He'll think it fell off the table and broke... maybe...

I hope.

@#!~#!!@#!#~#!#@#!#~#!#@#!#~#!#@#!#~

I woke up on my own this day. It was Saturday... and I didn't have to work. But he did. He always checked into the office 6 days a week. Funny how that used to be the number of days a week we had sex.

Sunday we gave it a rest... the day of the Sabbath... keep it holy.

Lately I was lucky if I got it once a month.

But now... things would go back to how they were... I wonder what his reaction will be when he finds out I killed his laptop.

I lay next to him for a bit longer then I decided to wake him. He'd be late other wise.

"Wake up koi." One of his golden orbs peeked through crust infested eyelashes. He smiled at me and I at him.

Then I giggled nervously...

"What is it?"

"Ummm... well you see... last night-" Should I tell him.

I will... because if I don't he'll find out it was me anyways... and be 10 times angrier than if I didn't. So I took one large breath and attempted to make my words as incoherent as possible.

"LastnightIkilledyourlaptopbecauseIwasjealousofitandIwaslonely.Sokilleditbysmashingittoity bittypieces."

"What?" He laughed

"I uh... destroyed your computer?"

"Why would you do a thing like that Kagome?" He said... anger evident in his voice.

"Because I was jealous... and I wanted thing to go back to how they used to be." I said seriously... and pouting.

"I never realized how much you wished for my attention...But you're going to pay for me a new laptop!"

"I will... under one condition!" I tried to bargain."

I watched as one of his delicate eyebrows rose.

"And that may be?"

"All I ask for is that you pay a little more attention to what I need... and what I desire from you... I understand that you are trying to provide for me, but in order to keep me happy I need your love, not your money."

He sighed and nodded in agreement. I smiled and hugged him.

He kissed me lightly and told me that he had to get ready for work.

"You know my vacation time is coming up soon?" He spoke while puting his clothes on.

"Really?" I asked excitedly. He simply nodded and walked out the door.

Just wait till he sees his laptop.

I closed my eyes... waiting with anticipation for his shocked yell.

Instead I heard footsteps coming up the stairs... and I hid under the covers.

I heard him chuckle... "You sure did a number on this one... this is worse than my cell phone."

I peaked off from under the sheets and said, "You're not angry?"

"No, I guess I deserved this. I'll see you when I return and you'll receive your punishment then." He said to me while winking.

I shivered at thinking what was to come.

-Kjinuyasha