Send Out Your Virgins! by Creature of Shadow

And You Say I'm Bad?!

A/N: Alrighty then! This is my entry for Tal's Drunker Than A Skunk Challenge. This is something that actually happened a few years ago. A few things will be changed, but only minor details. The plot and all is the same. It sucked at the time. But I guess its funny now, mostly to others, so I hope you enjoy!

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN INUYASHA, JOSE CUERVO, OR THE SONG REFERENCED IN THIS STORY

“Come on Sesshomaru, you have to come with! It's my twenty first birthday, and it wouldn't be the same without you!” Kagome pleaded with her anti-social fiancee.

“Every time you drink with those... people, you end up in some kind of trouble. I refuse to be a part of it.” Sesshomaru responded firmly.

“Those people are my friends! And I am not underaged anymore, so that means I can drink and not do stupid things. I will behave, I promise!” Kagome tried to reason.

“Your logic on this matter evades me. Drunk is drunk Kagome, age matters not. I will not stop you from doing what you wish, but I will not include myself in your shenanigans. That is my final word on the matter.”

“You are such a jerk!” she cried, slamming her cell phone closed.

“No go, huh? I figured as much. But you'll probably have a better time without him. I don't even want to imagine his buzz killing abilities.” Her best friend Sango grunted from her position on the floor.

“He's not all that bad once he gets out. But that's the hard part. He never wants to go anywhere.” Kagome sighed, and turned to her friend. She giggled at the sight. “I just don't think the body is supposed to bend that way.”

“Yoga is good for you. You should try it sometime.” Sango replied.

“I still think you just do it to find news ways to impress Miroku in bed.”

Sango unwrapped her legs from around her neck and sat up with a grin. “That's always a perk. Can't have him getting bored. Besides, I absolutley adore the look on his face when I show him a new pose. It's beastly, something you should know all about, Mrs. Soon-To-Be Taisho.”

Laughing, Kagome shook her head. “I plan on proving you right about that later too. I wonder if it will feel different when I'm drunk... But speaking of, I suppose we should start getting ready.”

Sango nodded and the girls went to dress.

Sesshomaru had resisted the urge to roll his eyes when his bride-to-be hung up on him yet again. A lot of their calls seemed to end that way. He didn't understand why she got so upset over such things. He disliked her friends, including his idiot half-brother. He could tolerate them in small doses though, and would if not for one very large problem.

Sesshomaru, the Great Dog General's son, could not hold his liquor. A couple shots and he was gone. If he went to this party, a drinking party, he would embarrass himself.

Though, he would probably get couch time for not going, and that was never a good thing. Thinking over the consequences, he decided he could work it out if he went, and just didn't have any alcohol. Then all he would have to deal with would be her irritating friends. Being able to enjoy the pleasures of the bedroom were well worth that price.

Nodding to himself, Sesshomaru decided he would surprise her at the party. That way, she would be so excited to see him, she would forget about the earlier phone call. It was perfect.

The birthday party for Kagome Higurashi was in a quiet little neighborhood on the outskirts of Tokyo in a vacant apartment owned by Miroku's grandmother. The location had been chosen because of its size. What Miroku forgot to mention, was the fact that it was in a 55+ community. And Sango, since she was in charge of this soiree, was less than pleased.

“This is a disaster Miroku! How are we supposed to have a party in an old folks home!” Sango shouted at her cringing boyfriend.

“It's not an old folks home! It's a retirement community!” Miroku unsuccessfully tried to defend himself.

“Same difference! How are we going to keep everybody quiet? Especially everybody drunk!” Sango screeched irately.

“It's ok, Sango. I didn't really want a lot of people anyway. It cam just be the close friends. We can have another birthday thing at a bar later. And it's snowing anyway. Everyone will understand.” Kagome chimed in just in time to save Miroku from getting clobbered.

Sango huffed and at her lover one more time, and sighed. “Alright Kagome. It's your day, and if you're ok with it, so am I.”

“Good. Let's make some calls then shall we?” Miroku said timidly.

The girls nodded and pulled out their phones.

Later, when Kouga, Ayame, Inuyasha and Kikyo arrived, the serious business over legal drinking began.

They were huddled in a circle on a blanket on the floor playing Horse Races, when a knock came at the door.

Kagome got up and answered it, being that she was the most sober of the group, and squealed with delight.

“You came!” she cooed, kissing Sesshomaru excitedly.

“Hn.” he responded, letting her lead him inside.

“Sesshomaru old boy! Come in and have a drink!” Miroku said, holding out a cup extravagantly.

“I do not drink.” Sesshomaru declined stiffly.

Frowning at her fiancee, Kagome moved to stand in front of him. “What did you come for then? I don't want you to sit around and watch us drink, you'll be bored. You get cranky when you're bored.”

“The asshole is an asshole even when he's entertained.” Inuyasha grouched, resulting in a glare from Kagome and an ear yank from Kikyo.

“Is the pleasure of my company not enough?” he asked her plaintively, ignoring the hanyou's comment.

The look she gave him promised many nights of cold sofa, so mentally sighing, he gave in. “As you wish, but only one.”

Kagome nodded excitedly and went into the kitchen. She searched for something that would not only loosen her future husband up, but would have him positively pawing at her too. Sesshomaru was not a fan of public displays of affection. Tonight, she wanted to change that a bit. The others were always groping, and smooching and holding hands. Kagome often felt left out.

And then she saw it. The one known for bringing the naughty out of everyone. Jose Cuervo. She poured a generous amount into a large glass and added lemon juice and simple syrup. If he was only going to have one, Kagome was damn sure going to make it a good one. Smirking slightly, she picked up the cup and presented it to her lover.

“Tequila Sour.” she told him with a grin.

Sesshomaru winced as soon as the noxious fumes of alcohol reached his nose. He glanced at Kagome's smiling face, sighed inwardly again, and took the cup of liquid humiliation. After all the harping he had done about her drinking habits, he may end up making a hypocrite out of himself.

'No! Not this time, I can handle this. I am a great and powerful youkai. I can best anyone at anything, and I shall not lose to a drink!' he thought savagely, downing the concoction in one gulp.

Trying not to cringe, Sesshomaru waved the 20 ounce cup at Kagome again. The alcohol was already making things fuzzy, and he forgot he had set up a limit. “I'll have another.”

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

After the first drink, Kagome had suggested playing Horse Races again, so no one would get drunk to quickly. That didn't exactly go as planned. Sesshomaru, it turned out, should never go gambling, for he was extremely unlucky with such things. He lost almost every round. On the last one, he had gulped down his drink and turned adoring, blood shots eyes on Kagome.

“I louuu.” he slurred, passing out in the bowl of Doritos.

Sango and Kagome just stared at him blankly, before bursting into laughter.

“Ah, drunken love?” Sango chortled, using her own unconscious boyfriend as a chair.

“I don't think I will be getting any drunken love tonight.” Kagome replied, eying the heap that was her fiancee. “That's kinda what I was hoping for. I didn't expect him to get drunk for me. The little shit probably did it on purpose. He's always telling me I am insufferable when I drink. I bet he just didn't want to have to deal with me slobbering all over him.” she griped.

Sango giggled and looked around the room. Kouga and Inuyasha had ended up fighting, again, and were now lying in a pile in the corner. Ayame and Kikyo had left shortly after their men had knocked each other out, leaving notes stuck to the males' heads warning them not to return home until they learned how to behave.

“I guess it's just you and me now.” Sango said. “Wanna play another game?”

Kagome shook her head. “I better get the drunken dog home. I don't want him getting sick on this carpet. It looks new.”

Sango chuckled. “Alright. Let's find a sheet or something to drag him outside on.”

The two women left the room for only a few moments, and when they returned to the living room, Sesshomaru was no where to be found.

“What the hell?” Kagome asked confusedly.

“Maybe he went to the bathroom?” Sango offered.

“But we passed it on the way out here. The door was open and I'm pretty sure it was empty. And we were in the bedroom.” Kagome replied.

A chilling breeze wafted through the room, alerting the girls that the front door was cracked open.

Upon further investigation, Sesshomaru's clothes were found on the porch.

“What the hell?” came the simultaneous question.

“I am Lord of these lands! I demand you bring me your women!” Sesshomaru's voice came barreling down the street, followed by the great naked youkai himself.

“Send out your virgins!” he shouted over and over in an authoritative tone as he ran through the snow, past the shocked females, and onto the next block.

“Congrats Kagome. He got an amazing package.” Sango said lecherously.

“First off, it's cold outside. He's a bit shriveled, it's usually much more impressive, and you've been hanging around Miroku too much. Secondly, what the flying fuck was that he just said?! Send out virgins? I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch!” Kagome hollered as she took off after her streaking youkai.

Two hours went by, and Kagome gave up her search and went home. He was far too fast for her. For now, she would pray his pecker got frost bite and deal with him when he returned. If he returned. 'Send out your virgins indeed! I have been looking forward to a night of drunken debauchery for months, and he wants virgins! I guess he forgot he's the reason I'm not anymore!' she thought grumpily.

Just as she was settling into bed, her cell phone rang.

“Somebody better be dead.” Kagome growled.

“I don't suppose you would like to come get me out of jail.” the deep baritone of her missing nudist.

“Ask one of your virgins to bail you out. I'm sure they'd jumped at the chance to rescue their oh so powerful lord.” Kagome bit out sarcastically.

“Don't be ridiculous. I haven't had a virgin since I took your purity.” he scoffed.

Kagome's eyes widened angrily. “So you've others that weren't virgins then?”

“That is not what I meant, and you damn well know it. Now come and get me out of this cesspool!”

“No! The nerve of you! After all your pissing and moaning about me being a dumb drunk, you go and get smashed, streak in an old folks community and go to jail?! And I'm the bad one? Ha! You can stay there!”

“Kagome, I don't have my clothes.”

“Hence the nudity.” she replied sarcastically.

“They won't give me anything to wear.” he told her, a slight whine ending his sentence.

“Tough!” she spat, hanging up on him and going to sleep.

Sesshomaru growled as he replaced the phone in it's cradle. When he got out of here, they were going to have long discussion about her hang ups. But for now, it was time to blend his bare ass into the wall so he wasn't continually ogled by other men. He sighed. This was going to be along night.

The next day, Kagome decided to be merciful and bail Sesshomaru out of jail. She ignored him when she picked him up. She ignored him on the way home. She ignored him for the rest of the day.

When evening came around, Sesshomaru had never been so thrilled to climb into bed with his woman. As he rounded the hall to enter their room, a pillow and quilt were slammed into his face, followed by the door. The click of the lock rang in his ears. It was useless should he want to get in bad enough, he could tear the door off its hinges. The symbolism of the door locking however, was a power he would not take on. A childish pout threatened to break through his mask as he made his way back to the living room. He stared sadly at the couch before laying down.

Sesshomaru sighed. He was going to be here for awhile this time.

A/N: Th-th-th-that's all folks! Hope it gave you a chuckle. Please read and review.