Washing Away The Pretence by Lass

Chapter One

She sat at the edge of the well, rain pouring down on her. She didn't notice it soaking her, however. Her thoughts were far away, her eyes looking far beyond the place. She'd been sitting here for some time, pondering over what'd happened.

She had seen them together again; the Hanyou and his deceased love, standing there in a tight embrace, proclaiming their love for one another. She'd ran off to think, and went here. She didn't want to go to her own time, not willing to face her mother or anyone else. She just needed to be alone some time.

She could hardly say he betrayed her. For how could he betray her if she had never actually been his girlfriend? She loved him, yes, but sometimes, love just wasn't returned. She didn't betray Koga, either, by staying with the inu Hanyou. She just didn't love him back, like Inuyasha didn't love her back. How could she claim the Hanyou as hers when he clearly didn't want her? It wouldn't be fair, to neither of them. He could have dropped her slightly more gentle, though, she thought. But then again, that wasn't his style, really.

She looked at her hands, then her arms, then the rest of her body which she could see without a mirror. She was a reincarnation. No one would ever see her as more than the reincarnation of the dead Miko.

She slapped herself mentally. The people back in her time, which hadn't lived with Kikyo, didn't think of her as just a reincarnation. But that wasn't her home, she knew. Just like Kikyo, she was bound to live here. There was another thing that bound her to the Miko.

She was, however, different from the Miko. She'd heard that often enough. Kikyo had been smarter, more powerful, more beautiful... The list kept growing longer every day she was around Inuyasha. And the worst thing was that he was right. She was always useless in battles they fought, and as the demons they were fighting were getting stronger, even Sango and Miroku complained about it sometimes while fighting. Kikyo, Inuyasha kept reminding her, would've easily beaten all of those demons without breaking a sweat.

She didn't know whether she was still in love with the Hanyou. She'd doubted it for some time now. She didn't feel all happy anymore at the rare moments when he would say something nice to her, and his moments with his former love hurt her less.

She had known for some time that, in most cases, you just couldn't steer love like you wished to. Her love for Inuyasha had long since faded into friendly feelings. The thing that hurt her most about his behaviour was that he still seemed to think he couldn't tell her about his meetings with Kikyo. He always sneaked away quietly, leaving it up to her to find him locked in a tight embrace with her incarnation. She just felt a numb feeling of disappointment.

She always knew that he would never like her like he'd loved Kikyo, but she hoped that they at least could be friends. But they weren't really friends, she knew. He never told her about his meetings with Kikyo, and she hadn't told him about the doubts she'd had last time concerning her feelings, not only towards him but also towards someone else.

She had come to like that someone else. They'd met some times when the Hanyou was with his beloved, and they'd grown to respect one another. But her feelings towards him weren't just respect and simple liking any longer. It was more than when she'd liked Inuyasha. Perhaps, she thought, this was the difference between puppy love and real love? He'd never love her, however, she was sure.

She had liked more boys then just Inuyasha. They never loved her back, however. And whenever she was lucky enough to have a guy that liked her, she only saw him as a friend.

She snickered in the cold night air. Her love life truly was a mess...

She remembered the first time that they'd met on friendly base. It was when Inuyasha was off again. She had been at the camp with the rest of the gang when a small child had come running towards them, followed by what seemed to be a very angry toad demon. Instead of running towards the Taijiya that was nearer to her and armed, she had run behind her legs, pleading for help while gasping for breath. The girl had been crying and her motherly instincts had kicked in.

She had asked the toad with a cold voice what exactly was going on here, and the small creature had told her something about filthy humans and that she should move away or his master would avenge him and punish her.

She had laughed in his face and told him that if he wouldn't leave the girl alone, there wouldn't be much left to avenge while making her hand glow with her purifying powers. The little toad had stepped back, yet had not stopped screaming. Finally, Sango'd had enough of his rambling and hit him with her Hiraikotsu. He hadn't quite liked it. About an hour later, when she and the little girl had became great friends and the toad was still out cold, her surrogate father had come, demanding an explanation.

She had given it to him, including the threats of the toad towards both the young girl and herself. He had promised that the toad would be punished accordingly and left, but not before promising the small child that they'd be coming back every once in a while to see her.

She had enjoyed it and, after a while, he had seemed to like their conversations too, for he had come without his ward some times too, turning into a visit almost every evening. He hadn't come for the past week or so, however, and her friends, save for Inuyasha, had picked up on that. They'd tried cheering her up, but to no avail. They knew exactly what was going on.

She cursed herself. Here she was sitting, alone, thinking of how miserable she was. And why, exactly? She had lots of very good friends, she'd known that the Hanyou didn't love her for quite some time, and she was actually hoping that the great Taiyoukai of the West would like a pathetic Ningen like she was?

She smirked at this. She knew she was weak, defenceless and absolutely hopeless. In modern Tokyo, that didn't matter. People like her were accepted, and she would even be considered strong. But in the Sengoku Jidai, she was a human, a weak Miko without any training, only useful to get the shards. So what was keeping her? Why was she still sitting here while she could at least try to improve her ability to feel the shards to fix her mistakes?

She looked into the well and, even though she wanted nothing more than to jump into it right now and seal it forever, she knew she could never do that. She still held hope that he would come once more, even if it was just for the little girl. And she couldn't leave the kit she had now adopted as her own, nor could she leave her friends to rot here.

She hated herself, unlike most people thought. All everyone ever saw was the cheerful girl that cared so much for everyone. But she saw more. She wanted to go home and be with her mother, she wanted to have someone love her that she loved too, she wanted to be hugged comfortingly and be told everything would be alright, that it wasn't her fault.

She was selfish. It was her fault, and she was just too weak. She always needed protection, hurting others in the process. She had broken the jewel in her stupidity and she didn't even want to fix her mistakes.

She felt the rain pounding down upon her skin. It was cold, and she was already feeling numb. Perhaps she'd catch a cold and die or something... That would never happen, though. Unlike her friends in Tokyo currently thought, she practically never got ill. Once, she'd been out in the ice-cold rain for a whole day playing without having any trouble. Her friend, with who she'd been playing, had been sick for about two weeks. It was just bad luck. That didn't stop her from slowly getting very cold now, however. And that was why she was still sitting here.

She somehow wanted to wash away her confused feelings, and no one would be foolish enough to go out in this kind of weather anyhow. She would be alone for one night, able to think everything over. And think it over she did.

She realized that, when the Youkai Lord hadn't showed up for three nights already, which had always been the max after their meetings became more frequent, she had been sad. But then again, perhaps he had important business. He was, after all, a Lord. But the next night, he still didn't come.

She knew he couldn't be dead. He was too strong to be defeated, and he would be saved by Tessaiga anyhow. So there had to be another reason as to why he hadn't come. Had she done anything wrong? But when she thought over their last few meetings, she couldn't find anything she could've done to cause him to leave. But there must've been something, she knew. He never did something without a good reason.

She had to fight the urge to put her nails into her arms and just make the pain she felt concrete. It wasn't a good idea to do that, however, since both the Hanyou and her son would be able to smell that when she would come back. So, because of that, she kept sitting in the rain unmoving, relishing in the feeling of the huge, freezing raindrops.

She sat there for a long time, just pondering about everything. Suddenly, she heard a voice from behind her. "Put that shield down." His voice was soft and deep, but she recognized it. She let down the shield she had formed around herself for protection and let him enter before once again putting it up. It was only to keep enemies out and did nothing to stop the rain, even though she could've done that.

She was still sitting with her back to him, finding she was unable to move because of the numb feeling the rain had given her. She pretended not to want to turn, however.

She was slightly surprised that he had shown up. And now, of all times. Was he mad, going out in this weather? She'd thought she had assured complete silence.

She spoke her thoughts out loud, yet in a simple question. "What are you doing here?" He wasn't moving from where he stood, and silence once again enveloped her. Slowly, the rain calming her down, she sunk back within her own thoughts again, almost forgetting about the other one present.

She tried to imagine what it would be like to be able to look after herself. Would he stop comparing her to her incarnation all the time when she would prove to him that she was better than she was? Would the others like her better when they wouldn't have to risk their lives for her every time? Would he like her better? Would he love her back? But then again, probably not...

She thought back to Tokyo, where she'd spent the first fifteen years of her life. It didn't seem real anymore. The past had become more like her time than the present. She could hardly imagine going back there, living there. This was her time, and yet, she felt lost here, too. She felt lost everywhere, she realized. She was living a life of which most people could only dream, meeting Youkai, Hanyou, Mikos, Monks and Taijiya and yet, she couldn't be happy with it. Was that just the way it always went? Or was it just her being selfish again?

She wondered about everything that had ever happened to her. She had seen more than most people ever would and yet, she was sitting here, still not happy with everything.

She heard the voice from behind her again, asking her a question. "Where are you now?" It seemed to be a strange question, but she understood. She had always understood him better than most did.

She answered with a slight smile on her face, her voice soft. "Everywhere but here..." Her thoughts flew back to the adventures she'd had here, all the things she'd seen, and all the mistakes she'd made, and her hate towards herself flared once more. She had never been of any use but to find jewel shards and, had her incarnation not had anything better to do, even that would've been done better by the dead Miko.

She felt completely numb, the rain barely hurting her anymore. "Tell me..."

She pondered about his command. It hadn't been a request. He demanded to know what exactly she was thinking about. Knowing that he had confided in her many times before, somehow trusting her with it, she almost felt obliged to tell him. And so, she did.

She told him of everything she was thinking of. Just like her body, her mind was now numb. Nothing he said or did could hurt her now. She told him of her shame, her fear, and her guilt. She told him about her weakness, her uselessness, and her mistakes. She told him about her friends, her enemies, and her feelings towards him. And he listened, not speaking. Just like the rain kept pouring down, her voice continued.

She finished, and she was empty. Just like he had no secrets for her, she now had no secrets for him anymore. The numbness of the rain had disappeared, leaving her, like she had expected, with only more pain than before. Her skin, now sensitive, felt every single freezing drop of rain, and she thought that maybe, she'd get ill by this anyhow.

She couldn't focus on a thing, her mind was still wondering.

She thought it over once more. She shouldn't be the one to feel unhappy. Every single one of her friends had a horrible past, where she had a loving family. And yet she was here feeling sorry for herself.

She never realized that she needed an anchor to keep her sane. Slowly but surely, she got unable to handle all that happened to her. She was still not an adult, and hormones still influenced her brain. With no one to support her, no one to really understand, she was slowly losing her grip on reality. Things caught up with her, and she had no one to tell, them already thinking her weak and quite useless.

She didn't know this, but he understood it perfectly well. He had seen the look in her eyes; he had noticed the pain she hid so carefully that only she should be able to detect. And yet he had carefully watched her and noticed. For some reason even he did not understand, he had observed this woman, this human. Why a human? He had wondered about that often enough and he couldn't bear to admit the answer.

She had somehow gotten to him, and his feelings confused him. They had become some kind of friends, for as far as a human and a demon could get friends. But lately, his stoic façade had started to crack and he'd become careless around her. While trying to find out why, and with a human, he had come across a stunning explanation. It had been something Rin had mentioned only days before when they were talking about her. The little girl had been talking about the woman to be her mother, and that her parents loved one another and needed to have many babies and playmates for Rin. He'd been surprised that he needed a child to come up with the answer, and he didn't even want to believe it. Thus causing him to avoid the woman now sitting only a short distance away from him.

She had been hurt by that badly, he now realized. And he couldn't deny that he cared anymore. He wanted so badly to reach out to her now, as she was sitting there solemnly. But still he couldn't get rid completely of the pretence he'd kept up for so long, which forbid him to show any emotions, least of all sympathy or love. And yet the way she was sitting there, still suffering in silence, the urge became almost too much to ignore.

She heard a cry from the forest. It was a demon, she realized, and it was looking for a prey. It was coming their way at a high speed, intending to eat them.

She knew the other had noticed it too, but she wasn't too worried about it. The moment any demon would touch the shield she had put up around her, they would be purified instantly. The problem was that she was in doubt whether she should go and meet him, surrender to him and let him eat her or not. She could easily alter the barrier enough to make sure her companion would not be able to help her. If he would even want to help her, of course. For the sake of Rin, probably.

She was arguing with herself. On one side, it'd just end it all and finally give her peace and no more problems. But on the other side; she would be leaving her friends to fend for themselves. Although it was not as if she was of any use to them of course, but the children would at least miss her, she supposed. But was she really special enough for anyone to really miss her?

She didn't know anymore. Doubt was tearing her up on the inside, the rain, more like hail now, was doing the same on the outside. She was just so tired of all of it. But she once again beat herself up in silence. In comparison to others, her problems were nothing. This was just another proof that she was weak and unable to handle anything thrown in her direction. Weak, weak, weak, she repeated to herself.

She had unconsciously balled her fists, he noticed, when she heard the demon cry for blood. She wasn't afraid; she was never afraid of a demon. There had to be something different. He wished he could read minds right now, willing himself to understand what she was going through, what she was thinking of right now.

She knew she couldn't give up. She wasn't going to take the coward's way out of this all. Even though no one would ever know the victory she just gained over herself, it was something she would treasure as a proof that she wasn't always the weak one, and that there was at least a bit of strength in her.

She realized this, but at the same moment, the other understood exactly just what she was considering. His muscles tensed, but he didn't act. He just stood there, waiting what she would decide. This would be her choice, and he wouldn't be able to interfere if she were to surrender herself anyhow. But if there would be any way for him to stop her from deciding to do so, he would. Then, the demon came into view. His apprehension grew as the creature showed itself. It was huge, and would easily slay the little miko if she were to surrender.

She also saw the strength of the creature as it ran towards them still. But she had made her decision, and even though some might hate her for it, she wouldn't hesitate. The shield flared as the demon crashed against it, dying on impact.

She was still sitting there, unaffected, as he watched her closely. There was still something wrong, and him just standing there doing nothing was probably not helping her one bit. "Face me," he said.

She found that she was unable to move. Her body hurt when she tried to move any muscle in order to face him, and the stiffness prevented her from even trying. So, she sat like she was right now, unmoving like she'd been for many hours in the cold rain. If it hadn't been for the fact that she was at least breathing slightly, one could have mistaken the woman for a statue.

She remained unmoving, and he suddenly realized that she had probably been here for some time, freezing herself to the bone. He approached the woman gracefully and stood in front of her. She was not shivering, nor did she look up into his eyes. He put his hand under her chin and raised it until she was looking straight at him. Her skin was almost as cold as the rain still pouring down on the both of them. The haunting look in her eyes stared straight back at his apparent emotionless eyes in which only some could see anything except for coldness.

She felt his warm hand cup her chin and she suddenly realized just how cold she had become. His soft voice reached her ears once more. "Make the barrier reflect the rain too. You're freezing."

She enjoyed the rain for a little longer, until he repeated himself. She was still soaked, though, and so was the world around them. But inside, his body heat was slowly warming it all up. He still hadn't removed his hand from her chin, and she was still too cold to move. Only now that the rain didn't clog his senses anymore and it had stopped falling onto her face did he realize she had been crying silently in the rain, not wanting anyone to know. Not wanting to burden others with her sadness, which she thought was misplaced.

She looked so vulnerable, sitting there. He wiped the tears away with his thumb, enjoying the feeling of her soft skin under his hand. Then, silently, he removed his hand only to pull his arms around her in a hug. He sat down beside her and pulled her into his lap, attempting to get her warm. "Just let it all go... It's not bad..." And this time, she obeyed immediately. Her arms moving again wrapped themselves around him while she was desperately trying to get some warmth in his embrace. His one arm was around his back while his other arm, which she had once healed when she'd finally found the right information in one of her grandfather's books, was softly stroking her hair. And now, like she'd done to him once, too, he was comforting her.

She calmed down quick enough. There was another weakness to be added to the list, she thought bitterly. She turned her back towards him, now sitting in between his both legs, and leaned into him. In his arms, she wasn't cold anymore, and his comforting presence added to that.

She sat there with him, not seeming to want to let go of the peace, but he knew he had some things to explain, and to tell her. "Listen, there's something I need to explain to you. Our friendship always meant a lot to me, even when I pretended it didn't. I was looking forward to seeing you again all the time. For some reason, I found myself to be able to open up to you like I never did to anyone before. I pondered over it a long time, searching for reasons. I wondered whether it was the strength that kept you going on through everything thrown at you, or perhaps the compassion you feel towards everyone. Perhaps it was your kind and warm heart, or your selflessness to take everyone's burden from them to make them happy. But then I understood that they were only parts of the reason." The words were hesitant in the beginning, but as he continued, they became more confident.

She was stunned into silence. But, knowing that they were now alone, the other turned her head to look at him again. He looked deeply into her eyes while she did the same with him. There was a compassion she'd never seen before, in anyone's eyes. And at that moment, she realized that, even though he might not be able to find it in himself to tell her directly, he definitely cared more for her than just as a friend.

She felt warmth well up inside of her. Unable to do anything else at the moment, she just leaned back again, taking his hand as if to say that she understood what he tried to tell her. And she did. Perhaps even better than the cold man behind her, who was so unused to the feeling.

She stayed with him there for some time, comfortable silence enveloping the both of them. Neither wanted to move, and the rain still pouring around the shield was making relaxing sounds and hiding them from the very few who'd be outside right now. Words weren't necessary right now, their presence was enough. He nuzzled her neck while she out her head to the side, allowing him to do so.

She got struck with a thought then, but didn't want to speak it out loud. He noticed this, however, and asked her what was going on. Her voice was barely a whisper as she answered him. "How about time? I won't live nearly long enough for you."

She didn't know whether she wanted to hear his answer. He seemed to hesitate for one moment before answering. "This is very hard to ask," he started. "But it would be necessary for you to... become a demon like me. That is different from mating, even though a bond will be formed. You literally share one another's blood by pushing two wounds together. But with you being a priestess, and me being a demon, things may go wrong for you. Therefore, I don't know if I can ask you to do this just so you can be with me forever."

She just sat in silence, thinking about his words. Many things would depend on this decision.

She turned towards him, removing herself from his arms. "You can ask, and I shall answer," she said, looking into his eyes. "I will try..."

She didn't fear death anymore. If it would succeed, she would have her own power, and she would be able to be with him forever. And if it would not, she would die like she first wanted to, while trying to get better so that she would be able to help the others. And she would be with him, knowing he cared enough for her to be able to kill her.

She was ready. He could see it in her eyes. With them, she practically begged him to try, to show her that he wanted to be with her, too.

She saw him raise his arm and cutting it with his claws. Then, he took hers and did the same. Looking at one another for an eternal moment, they connected the wounds. Searing pain went through her when their blood mixed and she saw his concerned eyes, but she didn't pull away. It spread through her blood like wildfire and she turned completely pale, but she never removed her arm. Then, their blood dried, and the changes set in.

She fell to the ground, whispering for him not to touch her right now. He obeyed, though hesitantly. The pain seemed to be everywhere as her priestess blood tried to purify his demon blood. The pain was so much and she put her fingers into the ground, as if it would bring any relief. It never did.

She was finally calming down, after what had seemed like an eternity to him. Still unsure what to do, he quietly observed the woman in front of him, so different from before and yet so the same. Minor changes, aside from the markings and the tail, still managed to give her a different look. The markings and the tail were the most obvious signs that she was now a demon. And yet, she hadn't lost her priestess gifts, he noticed. Then, she slowly got up.

She stood in front of him, looking stunned. "Did it work?" she whispered softly, probably still getting used to the more sensitive ears she had now received. He nodded at her, still unable to shake off his amazement at her beauty.

She watched him tentatively, not sure what to make of his expression. Finally, she managed a question. "Does it look that bad?" He looked at her once more and then looked straight into her eyes. He walked to her and raised his hand to her face, cupping her chin. He smiled softly. "You are beautiful." His voice was sincere, and he was completely honest with her now.

She finally felt special, and worthy of life. To him, she was special, and through him, she would find the way to get back to the way she was before; self-confident and able to find the best in everyone, including her.

She embraced him, and he willingly took her in his arms. "I'll train you to use your new powers. You will never again be accounted for as being weak or unworthy of something." It was a promise, one he was willing to keep. They talked for some time, about nothing serious. The latest updates on Rin, some silly antics from Jaken, the way things went in the Western Lands. Completely at ease with one another, the two demons sat. After some time, they once again fell into a comfortable silence neither of them objected to.

She heard his voice at her ear, his whisper filled with promises for the future. "Will you become my mate?" He nuzzled her neck at the junction of her throat, where her mark would be.

She leaned into him and let him. "I love you, Sesshomaru," she whispered. He growled possessively, and she felt his chest vibrate with the sound.

She barely heard his answer, even with her improved hearing. Up until today, she wondered whether she should have been able to hear it in the first place, since he'd never really told her since then. She could see it in his eyes, notice it in his actions. But never again did he repeat his words.

"I love you, my Kagome..."