Here I Am by yanna_enoah

One Shot

Author's Note: This FanFic is very personal as everything I wrote in here is based on experience. I first posted this on mediaminer to let someone know how much he means to me and later on decided to change it a little to suit Kagome and Sesshoumaru... ENJOY

Disclaimer: I don't own the InuYasha characters but I own this letter.

Here I am

An Open Letter

"I've known you forever..." that's what you said and I smiled. Yes, we've known each other forever, your brother being my best friend – my first crush, my first heartache but still my best friend. And you're his brother so that makes you mine too...or so I thought – see, your brother and I share everything – his shirts, my backpacks, his posters, my manga, our parents, you... So when you told me you'd like to talk to me almost two weeks ago I never really thought anything by it, I claimed you as my brother years ago but I guess you had other plans...

It was unnerving to see you squirm, you're our big brother and there you were stuttering and blabbing that I couldn't help but roll my eyes. I thought you wanted to borrow my car or you wanted some romantic advice but for the life of me I never realized you wanted something more baffling than my geometry class.

You were always so aloof, so cool to the point of being cold that your display of nervousness was making me uneasy. Even then when we first met during Inuyasha's birthday, I was five that time and you were ten I guess, you were already stern... that I felt the crazy urge to run and hide behind my Mama's skirt. And you never changed -- Even when I started sleeping over at your house, even when we ride on the same school bus everyday, even when you saw me ran away in tears after I saw Inuyasha with another, you remained distant...

I'm so sorry for laughing when you blurted out that I'm beautiful – we both know I am (don't take back your word now!). But I'm dense too because I never realized that the rare smiles meant something, I never realized that when you offered to take me to my highschool graduation ball when InuYasha ditched me for Kikyou you actually meant you wanted to go out with me (and goodness, I'm sorry for turning you down!), I never realized that when you shoved Kouga and told him he's a jerk you were hurting. I never realized...until that night.

You told me I am precious and I giggled because the movie Lord of the Rings came to my mind, had I known you were serious I would have kept quiet. But instead I had a giggling fit that my stomach hurt. You had to clear your throat a lot of times and hold my face in both your hands for me to snap out of it. Yeah, I'm just so clueless sometimes...

I smiled and waited for you to say something but you just stared that I rolled my eyes again but at this point I had to admit I was getting nervous, you staring at me with an enraptured expression was unnerving...almost creepy if I might say. You asked me about school and I snorted (how lady-like), I in return asked you about your rumored girlfriend, Kagura and you stiffened so I let it go. You asked about Inuyasha and I and I told you he's in love but not with me and this time you snorted. You asked about Hojo, my ex, and I cursed. Damn that idiot for flooding my email account with nonsense! You held my hand, I didn't even notice it -- I just went on ranting and raving about that lunatic I dated.

"Enough." That's what you said and I looked at you and stared at your hand holding mine. I'm forever grateful that it was late and the skating rink was dark because I was blushing madly as I tried to take my hand back but you held on. You said I never listen, I never feel, I never saw you... and somehow I knew then what you meant when you asked that we talk. But it was something I was not prepared for so I pretended not to know...

I tried to cover my embarrassment by saying I'm already hungry and that Mama must be looking for me but you gripped my hand tighter so I kept quiet.

You sighed. And it made me sad because it sounded so sad but I was scared – scared of what you will say, scared of how it will make me feel, scared of how things will change. Inuyasha, your brother, what he and I have and that includes you – is my security blanket, my comfort zone the only thing in the world that I wouldn't want to lose or change and there you were taking a step to alter everything.

"I like you..." You said and I said I like you too, you're my brother. I knew that hurt you but I didn't know what else to say and honestly I think of you as a sibling – the older brother I wish for. I thought you'd stop then but you didn't and I was squirming in my seat, fanning my face with my right hand, my left hand sweating in your tight clasp. You proceeded to tell me you see me more than a friend, more than a sister and I stood up and told you to stop – it's too surreal, it scared me out of my wits. I said I don't feel anything more than friendship towards you, I said you can't change what we have because it just felt so wrong...

I love you.. you told me and I was scared shitless that I yanked my hand away from your grasp and ran...

So here we are – you not talking to me, you acting like I don't exist, you not taking my calls and my instant messages, you not emailing me back, you ignoring me when I approached you at the library two days ago, you telling me to forget what you said...

And here I am -- confused hurt and bleeding. Here I am unable to sleep thinking about you. Here I am reliving in my head what you told me. Here I am crying in your brother's arms not telling him why. Here I am missing you so much I couldn't eat. Here I am thinking about you so often that I just zone out and stare into space even when I'm in a middle of a conversation. Here I am unable to shake that night off and dying slowly...

Here I am.

I know you're reading this... In the off-chance that you've decided not to, I asked InuYasha to shove this page in your face.

Here I am...

I heard you...

I saw you...

I felt you...

And I'm not running away again.

Here I am.

I'm hurt...

I ache...

I'm missing you...

Here I am admitting you're right – You love me...

And I you...

Please come to me and stop ignoring me, Sess because I promise I will haunt you down and kiss you senseless if you do.

But we both know I'm not that brave.

So please... Here I am...

Kagome