Not Good Enough by MorningStar

Not Good Enough

once again... this is very OOC and very ANGST/suicide.

If you don't like this... TURN BACK NOW!!

don't flame just because you've disregarded this warning.

She sat on her bed, trying to regulate her breathing. She wouldn't cry... she wouldn't let herself cry over him again. A stray tear betrayed her and wove a jagged path down her face. She slapped her cheek, hating the way the tear made a cool trail down her hot skin, hating her eyes, her mind, her heart for betraying her.

How often had she listened to him go on and on about the other women he could have. Comparing her to every woman that was presented to him... she was too short, scrawny, dumb, klutzy, chubby... today he said she looked like a scared little mouse. She knew she shouldn't let it get to her, but it reminded her of her last boyfriend.

'There must be something wrong with me.' She angrily wiped her face on her shirt. "Why does nobody love me?" Her hand paused in its trek through her tattered mane. That wasn't what she meant to say... but... She collapsed into tears at the truth of it. She was always ending up alone. She wasn't good enough even for the beastly... they always wanted something more. They were in love with the idea of being with her for her power, but once they knew her, they were gone.

Maybe she was something evil. There was definitely something wrong with her, it must be something terrible that makes all she meets turn away from her. Everyone else can just come right in and they fit perfectly. "I'm always the square peg." She flopped onto her side and curled her body around a pillow, trying to squeeze the pain out of her own heart.

"No one even notices me unless it's to criticize me. I bet no one would even care if I disappeared." She glanced around her room, watching the fading sun toss orange flames across everything, wishing she too could simply fade away.

A sharp glint caught her eye and felt her soul shiver. Her knife.

It had been years since she last used it, but she still kept it. It was like a trophy of overcoming her past... proof that she didn't need it anymore.

But she did. She could feel her skin singing with electricity, heating her up while trying to force her heart out of her mouth. She walked over to the counter and closed her hand around it. It seemed smaller than it had been, lighter, and definitely sharper.

She lay back down on her bed and began wondering just who would miss her if she were to disappear. The list she came back with was the same paltry list as always... except this time she didn't freak about leaving her mother... she wasn't scared by the idea of her brother having to grow up too quickly. She realized that for the first time in ever she couldn't think of one concrete reason to stay and that scared her more than anything.

If there was nothing to stay for then why was she hanging around? Had the gods made some grave mistake? If they did, no one should be allowed to know about it.

Quick... cut deep, no one will know.

She gathered her skirt to see her thigh, soft pink scars of years before fading into the pale white of untanned skin. Such an accomplishment for her... two and a half years without a single self inflicted nick... all wiped away with one press, one drag of cold steel across beautifully toned flesh.

One became two, then three... light trails of deep scratches at first, then growing... deeper, deeper... more and more. Her thigh was open and bleeding, faint pain making its way through the haze of anger and self-loathing that clouded her mind. "I should stop." Her hands made their way to her hair. Bloodied hands grasping random locks of hair as she cut away what she could with the knife that was tainted with her blood.

Make it so no one will know... no one can know.

She kept working on her hair, trying to make herself into someone else. She could feel the warmth of her blood trickle down her knee before cooling slowly, freezing her to the core. No one knows... no one will know.

Suddenly there was someone at the door, sharp harsh knocks. "Kags! Open up."

"I'm tired. I think I'm going to sleep now."

"Kags! I need to talk to you."

"No... just let me get some rest. I'll be out later." She heard him rattling the door handle some more before walking away. She took a deep breath to calm herself. It couldn't be held off anymore.

The sharp blade made a brilliant arc in the sunset light, digging into the frail skin at her wrist. The sting of pain faded away quickly to be replaced by a sense of relief. "It'll all be over soon." She repeated the bite to her other wrist and sat there watching the fading light dance across the objects in her room... things she had grown to treasure... reminders of a life that was never really lived for herself.

She suddenly wanted to burn it all... take everything into hell with her, but at that moment she was far too tired to care. 'Leave them all with the memories... the idea of the person I never really was, the person I never could've been.'

Part of her was sorry for never having known true love... but the burn of love betrayed stilled her regret. She was at least capable of feeling love, even if none would love her back.

Suddenly a loud noise came from behind her and she turned to face an angel in her doorway. His long silver hair swaying behind him as he approached her, "My silly girl, what have you done?"

"I'm correcting the mistake. I'm going back. We both know that this isn't the place for me."

"What? Why do you say that?"

"Because I was not made to feel things... I was made to be able to control elements. My job has been over for years, only habit keeps me here." He made to pick up her wrist and she pulled away, the room spinning slightly at her motion. "Don't. I wouldn't want to sully you. I'm nothing... mere filth on the surface of life."

He flinched; she was reciting his earlier words back to him. "No... you're not."

"Yes, I am. The man I loved said it, so it must be so."

"You loved? Do you not love him anymore?" He could feel his eyes beginning to water.

"No! I mean... I can't love. I can't do anything. The only left for me to do is die."

"Why do you say that?" He made to reach for her hand again, trying to wrap her wrist in the bed sheets.

"No!" She pulled her arm back, "I'm unnecessary. Please... just let me make everything better. Let me set it right." Her eyes fluttered closed and she had to force herself to keep them open. "You tell him. Tell him I'm sorry I wasn't good enough."

"He wasn't good enough for you. Come... we'll make you better."

"I'm unworthy... tainted... better... off... uhn... dea...d." She could feel a deep lethargy seep into her limbs. She opened her eyes one last time to see the angel looking like her love, with a tear sliding down one alabaster cheek. "Don't... he wouldn't... why... why should... you?" Her eyes fluttered shut and he pulled her into his arms.

"I would... I... oh God." He stumbled over to the phone and called for help. He knew that no matter what happened, he had killed the woman he once loved just as surely as she had just killed him.