Modern Terminology by Amadoni

Modern Terminology

Title: Modern Terminology

Warnings: Language, some sexuality, slight OOC

Universe: Canonish

Notes: I really haven't done much humor, mainly because I don't think other people would think that I am funny. Special thanks goes to my beta, Theresa aka be_a_good_boy_sess.

Three. Such a measly little number, right? Wrong. Think three months as in 13 weeks, as in 93 days, as in 2,232 hours. Three seems so much larger now. Yes, that's more perceptive. It had been 2,232 hours 37 minutes and 3, no, 4 seconds since the small group had seen any sign of Naraku or his minions.

Problem is their small group of six was now a group of 10--and if three was a crowd then 10 was an infinitesimal mess. But that's numbers. Here's the real problem. Inuyasha and Sesshoumaru had finally come to a temporary truce. And that was great...until the 2,232nd hour, 37th minute and 5th second.

Inuyasha opened his mouth, and Sesshoumaru helped him close it.

"You will desist in your idiocy, hanyou."

"You first, 'ya bastard! I'm sick of this--sick of you! So, kiss my ass!! We go left!!"

"No, we go right, fool."

"Asshole."

"Vermin."

"Tight-ass."

"Mongrel."

After the latest barrage of insults, the makeshift group settled in for another rather long, tedious squabble between the two brothers. It became an ever-constant routine for them. Inuyasha and Sesshoumaru would fight, Rin and Shippo would go pick flowers, Miroku would once again grab Sango's ass and pay dearly for it, and Kagome, well, Kagome was getting bored with this ever-constant, utterly BORING routine.

She was a modern girl after all. And like most modern girls, it was never a good thing to be bored. Bored led to idleness; idleness led to thinking idle thoughts, which led to random idle thoughts. Eventually, those thoughts led to bad thoughts, naughty thoughts. She may be a virgin but that didn't mean her thoughts were virginal.

Damn, she was bored. If she was home, she would be taking a good, long soak--hot springs were scarce at the moment. Yes, a long, hot soak, naked....with Dove soap, Dead Sea salt, lavender essential oils, silky skin, suave hair, a very nude Sesshoumaru, and...wait a second. Crap, hitting her head, she really was bored.

Sesshoumaru. Hm, she would be here for awhile. Obviously, he wasn't human...full youkai. Male, yes, very male...wait a second, how male was he, really?

Thinking back to their first encounter and his 'true-form' as Inuyasha put it, she really had to wonder. He was way older than Inuyasha, gorgeous, and, well, no kids? In his true form, oh God, why didn't she realize it sooner!! In his true form, the poor guy didn't have any testicles or...or, ah, well, or...she couldn't even say it in her head. Did that mean that he was...fixed like Buyo? After all, from her view, not that she was looking, he did look that way.

Now, she really was curious. It wasn't like she could ask him. She actually wanted to live a long, healthy, happy life. But she really had to know and now.

"Follow your vows, you perverted monk!!" was screamed not far from her position.

Sango, yes, she studied the anatomies of youkai, and she has seen Sesshoumaru in his true form; she would know. With a slight skip in her steps, Kagome followed after the taiji.

"Hey, Sango, got a sec?"

"Of course, Kagome, what is it?"

"Well, you know about youkai, and I was wondering if you could answer a question about Sesshoumaru?"

"Why would you ask about Sesshoumaru?"

"Curiosity," she quipped while scratching the back of her head, "you know me."

"Alright, what do you wish to know about him?"

"Well," she started blushing realizing that this was indeed a rather private question, "well, ah, you see, uhm..."

'Just get it over with Kagome,' she thought.

"I was...I was wonderingifyoucouldtellmeifSesshoumaruisfixedornot!!!"

"I don't understand. Could you say that again?"

Exasperated, Kagome finally said,

"Is Sesshoumaru fixed?!"

"What do you mean?"

"You know 'fixed' that thing people do when they buy a pet from the store."

"Um, Kagome," she said while looking past the girl, "maybe we should discuss this word later."

"Why not now? Just tell me. You've seen him in his true form. Is he fixed or isn't he," she squealed.

"Miko."

'Oh, crap,' she thought.

Knowing that the girl from the future wasn't in any real danger, given the truce and all, Sango decided that it may be best if Kagome asked him this strange thing personally and left them alone.

Suddenly, 2,232 hours 43 minutes and 6 seconds didn't seem that long or boring or idle. If only she could rewind the last 5 minutes, things would be great. Safe. And she could see what life was like after 2,232 hours 44 minutes and 7 seconds.

"Miko," he repeated, "you will explain what this 'fixed' means in relation to this Sesshoumaru's person."

Time stopped.

Kagome waited for Inuyasha to come and save the day.

Sesshoumaru continued to wait.

Kagome realized that the red, moaning lump behind the youkai was a still unconscious Inuyasha.

The girl was on her own.

'Think, Kagome, think, you're from the future after all, a modern girl--use that to your advantage.' The proverbial light bulb turned on.

"Well, let's see, fixed is a modern way to say that you're neutered," she steadily said, holding the smirk from fully forming on her face.

"Modern, miko, is a matter of perspective," he stated arrogantly, "you may be from the future, but you are hardly civilized enough to be considered modern."

Kagome mustered as much control as she could to keep from screaming at the narcissistical ass.

"Miko, you have yet to explain yourself."

"Ok, I was wondering if you're fixed?"

"Miko."

"Neutered."

"Miko."

"Ok, fine deballed!!"

Dead silence.

"This Sesshoumaru does not carry balls on his person."

'That possibility is what got me here in the first place,' she mulled over, 'screw it; just say it.'

"You know deballed, to unman someone, to--"

"This Sesshoumaru is not a mere man," he sneered, "I am Taiyoukai!"

"Well, of course you are," she countered," I wasn't saying that. Look, just forget it, because--"

"Return to the original topic, girl," he seethed as a wave of youkai aura began to saturate the area, "fixed."

Truce or no truce, Kagome really felt that she would die soon if she didn't do or say something, and quickly. And then, it hit her.

"Well," her throat seemingly dry, "you know...is your true form fixed...or can you change it, ah, more?"

'Please buy it; please buy it; please buy it,' she silently prayed.

"Hn."

"Ah, that's right," as she slowly back away, "you just a 'hn' away."

After a few more steps, she carefully turned around to go find the rest of her group. However, she suddenly felt a presence right behind her and then,

"Miko," she shivered, "the answer is yes; my true form can be further altered when necessary."

Kagome didn't know how it was possible, but apparently it was. Because for the first time ever, Kagome noticed that Sesshoumaru's ever constant stoic voice of ice, death, and perfection had transformed to sex incarnate. She couldn't suppress the shudder that shot through her spine. The Taiyoukai, fully aware of her reaction, continued,

"If one desired to know if I had strong male endowments and could therefore copulate, mate, or impregnate a female," emphasizing the last 6 letters in her ear, "all you had to do was ask, Ka-Go-Me."

Kagome was a modern girl from a modern world. However, despite these facts, nothing could prepare her for a Sesshoumaru who could quite obviously figure out modern terminology.

'How do I get myself into these situations' was the girl's last coherent thought as a dexterous tongue swirled around her earlobe. Suddenly, 2,232 hours 59 minutes and 10 seconds since Kagome had seen any trace of Naraku, his minions, or jewel shards, being a miko didn't seem all that important.

THE END