The last fight by small light

chapter one

I feel him watching me. Following my every step. Doesn’t he realize that I don’t care anymore? Doesn’t he know that I’m coming after him and that I won’t stop until one of us is dead?

Of course he doesn’t know. For that he would need to understand human emotions . And to understand emotions he would need a heart, something that he doesn’t posses. I sometimes wonder if he’s even scared of me, or does he think that he will face the same girl he knew a year ago?

No he can’t be so naïve. Naraku must know how much I have changed. What he doesn’t know is that tomorrow he will face somebody else, somebody new, for the girl he once knew died that day with her friends.

I am no longer Kagome, that name is as foreign to me as the dreams that she once held dear. I am no longer a miko, I could not accept being called that. I was a disgrace to the name, for a miko should have only kind and gentle thoughts, she should love those around her and try to protect and save every living creature. I no longer feel anything except pain and anguish. That, plus guilt. I no longer have the desire to help those in need. My only desire, my only dream for the past year has been revenge.

I’m only a couple of hours away from him, from revenge. But I have to rest otherwise my body will be weak and I will lose. And defeat is not an option. Although I can no longer sleep at night I can still relax my body and gain back the power that I have lost over the last couple of days. This is a trick that Sesshomaru taught me well.

Who would have thought that Sesshoumaru himself would one day become my teacher? But he did.

I remember when I came to him one year ago. It was raining and my clothes were covered in blood. Who’s blood? I can’t say for sure. So many died. He must have felt that something had gone wrong for the first thing he asked was if Inuyasha was okay.

I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that his only brother was dead. I knew that he loved him dearly although they used to fight a lot. When I told him what happened he didn’t even flinch. He just stood there looking at me with his cold amber eyes. I envied him for his strength.

‘What do you want?’ His voice was cold and controlled, yet it lost some of it’s edge. Or maybe, I’ve finally seen enough to remain relaxed even in the presence of the Lord of the Western Lands.

‘I want that!’ I said pointing to his face. ‘ I want to be strong enough to rule my emotions!! I want to be strong enough to have my revenge against… HIM!!! ’At that point, I was almost screaming and to my shame, tears started flowing down my cheeks.

‘Why do you want revenge?’ he asked in that same tone.

Then, without warning the memories of the past hit me with fool force. I saw Sango having her usual fight with Miroku, I heard her calm, gentle voice telling me to never give up, to be strong. For a moment I was able to see Inuyasha again having one of his fights with Shippo. Shippo: that little kit that I’ve grown to love as though he was my own son. I felt him embrace me and saw him smiling at me his eyes full of joy. It all seemed so real that for a second I wanted to reach out and hug him back. But then there it was. The moment I dreaded so much. The moment that haunted my dreams and wouldn’t let me sleep at night. The moment I saw those who I had began to consider my family killed in cold blood. I could still hear their screams and I could almost taste the tears that ran across their cheeks. Then I heard his laughter while he killed the ones I loved most. Even now it still sends a shiver down my spine. In my nostrils I had, once again the unbearable stench of death mixed with the bittersweet smell of blood. After that there was nothing left but silence. A deafening silence, that entered my soul and emptied me of all feelings. No, not all, there were still two distinct feelings that I had left, and that made me pull through, kept me alive. They were hate and guilt. Why did I want revenge he asked?

‘So that I can sleep again peacefully, so that this feeling of guilt that’s poisoning my heart will disappear, so that I can say that I didn’t let them down.’ I wish it was a more honourable reason, I wish I could say that I was doing it for justice, but then and even now justice was the last thing on my mind.

I felt myself getting weaker and I realised that it was because of my wounds. I was badly injured. In my, chest I had a serious wound caused by one of Naraku’s tentacles and another one in my right arm. My body was covered by cuts and bruises and, as I stood there in front of him waiting for an answer to a question I hadn’t asked, I began wondering if he was just going to leave me there to bleed to death.

I couldn’t focus on him or anything else for that matter anymore. I felt darkness surrounding me and just before it took complete hold of my senses, I heard him say in an unusually emotional voice ‘We will start your training in a week.’

It took me a week to be fully healed and considering my powers as a priestess that was a long time.

After that, just like he said, training started.

It was hard. Harder than anything I’ve ever done before, but I never complained. This was what I wanted: To become strong. To be able to have my revenge.

We never talked much and yet I became quite close to him. A feeling I had thought dead was awakening. I know he felt it too. Maybe he always did. I was beginning to love him, although I deed not know that, I’m still not sure... It’s just that my heart was and is so full of pain and hate that all the other feelings that I once knew, have been cast away. And whenever I dare feel something different, guilt comes and takes it away, to leave me cold and alone once more.

‘Why do I feel so guilty?’ Sesshomaru’s question rang in my ears. There are so many things that plague my soul that I don’t even know where to start. Perhaps it’s because I’m still alive, while my friends are now dead, or because I couldn’t help them, or maybe it’s the thing that started all of this: me shattering the jewel, or all of them and more.

But I did not tell him that. I didn’t want him to blame me even more then he probably was. I just turned away and said nothing.

As the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months my training got more and more difficult. I was no longer training only my body but I was strengthening my mind as well.

After one year he told me I was ready to face Naraku. He told me he taught me everything he knew and that I was now as strong as he is maybe even stronger thanks to my miko powers. Yet he was afraid for me. I could tell he feared losing me in that battle. At diner that night he told me that he would join me tomorrow on my journey to defeat Naraku. He also gave me a gift that night. A small gold necklace with a blue tear shaped stone pendant. He told me to always keep it close to me. And so I did, and I still do.

I knew than that I couldn’t let him come. I couldn’t let history repeat itself because this time I couldn’t pick up the pieces again. This is my last fight with Naraku and it’s a fight to the finish.

So here I am at two hour’s distance from my greatest enemy waiting for my body to strengthen itself enough so that I can continue. My heart is still full of hate and guilt just as it was a year ago, only that now it holds a small and frail spark of hope. Hope not for me but for the ones I left behind.

As I turn to the past in this time of unease, I see many things that I regret and that I would like to make right but I also see the times filled with joy when I was surrounded by those I loved. And for those times I will fight today so that they will never be forgotten or lost in the darkness that would engulf the world if I were to fail

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