Not shy about it? You have no idea how hard I am trying to be diplomatic about pointing out these little things, cuz I hate when people point out my errors. It destroys my illusions of perfection. LOL. But when the storytelling is this good, it brings out my anal retentive OCD and I want to see that the technical part of the story matches the quality of the story. Excellence breeds excellence! And you're a damned good writer! And this is a damned good chapter. I wish she could give him one good blast of her power - right in the ass where his brain is apparently lodged!
And, before I forget, I am sorry about your computer. If you would like, I will send you my rubber mallet so you can beat the hell out of it. Now onto the angst:
Beloved Tex, commas really are your friends:
“I and the other guards, along with Ami, have found worth in your breeder and mate. [Parenthetical phrases should be set off by commas.]
I have spoken at length with your breeder, my lord, and I think you should speak to her of the future she hails from and the place of demons in it. [I can't remember the actual rule, nor can I find my English Handbook (I will finish unpacking someday) but when an individual is addressed by another, their name or title or mode of address should be set off by commas as a parenthetical phrase.]
According to her, our kind are merely myths in her world. [Introductory phrases should be followed by commas.]
This news startled Sesshoumaru, though he refused to show it.[Dependent clauses]
He nodded his head at Ami, who was sitting beside Kagome’s futon and rose to leave as soon as he opened the door[,] and stepped into the room. [I don't believe I'm telling you this, but this comma should be deleted, as this is not a series, and the and stands alone.]
His eyes hungrily raked over her [form] and he delighted in the changes he saw. [Just a suggestion, but I would delete the word form here. It isn't really necessary and has already been used in the paragraph.]
Her skin glowed with health and, as he moved his gaze lower, he smirked at the sight of the prominent bump [on] of his mate’s stomach.
Look, I don't want to fill up your entire review page with these little comma transgressions, so, to find out where you should have a comma, read the story aloud and where you pause, that is probably where you should have a comma. Commas are about the flow and clarity of language. If you have a comma in the wrong place, it causes the language to sound choppy, it slows the reading. If you don't use commas, the text can be confusing, as if you had written a series of things but had left the commas out. I'm not going to point out any more commas unless it's something egregious. I have an edited copy of this chapter, just contact me if you want me to send it to you. The following items are things that really need to be considered.
Her health was his utmost priority now that she was carrying.
When her stomach rumbled in hunger, he smirked and stood after one last lingering stroke of his hands across her soft skin.
He saw Kagura’s eyes widen at the sight of Kagome before she bowed and he continued to monitor her as he said
“My honorable Lord Sesshoumaru, while you led your army [into] to victory against Naraku and later all the other lords of Japan, this Jaken kept watch [of] over your great house.
When Jaken bowed and left to carry out his orders, Sesshoumaru focused his attention on Kagura who, he had noticed, kept eying Kagome.
Silently, she wished [to] the demoness luck.
“I do love MY son…but that doesn’t change any of my feelings for you or the situation you’ve forced me into.
Moving to sit with one knee raised so that he could drape an arm over it with the other held his cup in his lap Sesshoumaru replied, “Proceed.” This sounds a little awkward. Perhaps you might prefer: He moved to sit in his favorite position with one knee raised, an arm lying across it, while he held his cup in the other hand now resting in his lap, “Proceed.”
“It matters not. I’m sure that the future you [had] knew is no more.
If she is so foolish as to believe she can thwart my plans for our future then I will deal with her.
“I wish him to see the fate he abandoned you [too] to.
Once again I can tell that you raced to get this down so you could post it, you speed demon, you. I know the comma thing comes from writing so fast. I'm just suggesting that, after you finish the 'I'm done with this chapter' dance in your chair, you read the chapter aloud for comma usage. Remember, where there is a natural pause, that is a spot where there should probably be a comma. Nag! Nag! Nag! You really do have excellent language skills, you just need to be a bit more anal. LOL. I guess that I am the Empress of Anal!
erai (Chapter 19) - Mon 04 Jan 2010
Ah... As always I loved it. It was such a treat to come home and see your alert pop up. I squee'd! Very nice chapter. Love how you really show Kagome's mix of emotions towards Inuyasha very well. She's just the right amount of bitter... not too much but not too little. Love it. I could spout praises all night, but I'd make you blush I'm sure. My only qualm is that updates aren't as often as I'd like them to be, but that is simply me being selfish. We all have lives that run us down and I know you update when you are able. Thanks for making my day. One question though: Is Sesshy really gonna try to "breed" with Kagome while she is pregnant? Coz to me what with their past couplings and all, this seems to have miscarriage written all over it if they do. Just because Sesshy is so rough... Just wondering is all.
Ja ne, and see you next time!!!
stars (Chapter 19) - Mon 04 Jan 2010
please updata
jk-chan (Chapter 19) - Mon 04 Jan 2010
omg im soooo happy that you finally added the next chapter i really love your story thanx
REDWOLF (Chapter 19) - Mon 04 Jan 2010
Does Sesshoumaru call Kagome "little one" because he is so old???
I wish Sesshoumaru could show just a ounce of love for Kagome....I feel so sorry for her when acts like she is his favorite chew toy. I LOVED it when Kagome told him to take Kagura to his bed....boy didn't that strike his pride!!!! Fantastic job...i hope you can rebuild your work because it is fantastic work!
Yamiyo (Chapter 19) - Mon 04 Jan 2010
Please tell me sess has a change of heart soon cause i'm really starting to hate him in your story. I love the story just not him, and thats sad he's one of my fav characters.
Awesome chapter. Update soon please.
sierra (Chapter 19) - Mon 04 Jan 2010
Thanx for making another chapter cant wait for more!
Inuyasha's arrival can't get here soon enough. a statement i agree with. this is very well written and i love it. please update soon. and if you get the chance to get on fanfiction to critrique my work i would be thrilled. KagomeKairi1507
autumngold (Chapter 19) - Mon 04 Jan 2010
Nice update! I can't wait for Inuyasha to feel pain. I hope he understands exactly what Kagome has gone through, how she has been raped and brutalized. Some protector! How dare he treat the only person who loves him that way, he deserves everything bad that could happen to him! Can't wait to read more!
I really love this story! Sesshoumaru is portrayed so well and Kagome ha! Headstrong until the bitter end. She has no idea what she is giving up by not being more loveable to sesh.. and I really want to see him transform in his dog form to protect her. That would be hot, but we really need something evil to happen to the both of them to get them together more... Or something evil to happen to Kagome that makes her run to Sesh... hmm Until next time!
I can't wait for your update!~!!!
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